The loss of my left breast (another peom!!!!!!!!!!!)
The loss of my left breast
I lie in the hospital bed for two days
The catheter in place along with my four drains
I feel swollen and sore and raw inside
My mind can’t decipher what has happened yet
The loss of my left breast
Day three is here and the catheter is out
I walk alone to the sterile bathroom with leaden feet
With my four drains in a Morrison’s bag
I need to look in a mirror so I can see
The loss of my left breast
I struggle to undo the hospital gown
With its two pieces of string at the back
Untangling the four drains isn’t so easy
I can’t use my left arm so well with
The loss of my left breast
I stand naked in front of a mirror
The tidal wave of tears distorting
What I need to see right now
This lump of muscle and gel so swollen
The loss of my left breast
At least I have still got the skin
Though the nipple is no more
The muscle from my back has replaced
All that was there before
The loss of my left breast
I no longer have any feeling
All that went with the rest
Skin from my back where my nipple once sat
Is so pale and flat
The loss of my left breast
This breast that once suckled three children
That welcomed my lover’s lips
Will never again feel that pleasure
Will never again know such bliss
The loss of my left breast
- Alison's blog
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and another
Little old cancer patient me!
Lump found
Lymph’s out
Breast off
Dead skin
Tamoxifen
Zoladex
Hysterectomy
Oopherectomy
Arimdex
Hot sweats
Clonidine
High bp
Sore joints
No sex
No oestrogen
Shut up
Put up
Be glad to be alive
Pull yourself together
Depressed?
You bet!
Fight the good fight
Be positive
Yeah right!
Survivor?
Where is my medal?
User?
Not I
Just
Little old cancer patient me!
Definitely empathise with second one, Alison
Think that's for everyone with a complicated cancer! Yes, where is your medal: you deserve one! Lots of love xxx Penny
Who needs Bob Dylan
Bob Dylan Eat your heart out.
Well done Alison, fab poems. How your words echo many peoples thoughts and passages.
lol n hugs
Debbie and April xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
you can blame
Leonard Cohen for this last lot!!!!!! i feel totally peed off today, think it might show in what i write, keep coming up with these little thoughts, how black i can be at times!!!!!!!
love to you both
Alisonxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
made me cry
Alison
just when I thought I had it all together, I read "Loss of My Left Breast" and had a little cry - not sure if it was for you, me or everyone who has lost a breast, but thank you
hugs n tears
Sharry xxx
Midnight in St Pancras
It's gone 12am and i can't sleep
So out of the hotel i go on a stroll
The gates of St Pancras is still open
So in i go
It's a clear moon lit night
No need to feel afraid in this lovely light
I sit on the semi-circular steps
Then plug my i-pod into my ears
Leonard Cohen sings so lovely in my ears
So lovely that i have to sing along
Regardless of my tone deafness
Who really cares at 12am?
I embrace the lyrics that make
Me more aware of how i really feel
I need to feel true about myself
After all, its me this is about
You see, i've had breast cancer
No-one who hasn't had it
Can really understand how i feel
In this world that is so surreal
Now in St Pancras there is one crazy woman
Who has no fear of the dark
As all the fear is within
Oh what a loss of control of my senses
I feel no inhibitions as i sing along
To words that are barren and sad
What else can possibly hurt me so much?
The grief of losing my breast is so much
So i sing in St Pancras Church
With tears streaming down my face
I feel no shame for my emotions
I have lost oh so much
Thank you my lovely Leonard Cohen
The Day of Diagnosis
I felt a stabbing pain in my left breat
Never thought it could be cancer
After all, who does?
Got it checked by the gp
A touch of mastatis it may be!
Oh in my dreams, i apologised for not
Being able to find the "imaginary lump"
That i thought i had found
"oh i am worried about this" said the consultant
So off for a mammo and a scan
At least i had a Christie nurse with me
After a humiliating time getting my small
Breast into the mammo machine
I sat and saw the negative in the light box
The white area knocking my eye out!
I knew even before the scan
That i was the chosen one
The scan showed even more
Then the biopsie confirmed it
Cancer it was indeed
How do you take this news?
Damn my small breasts
Had to have the lump
Between the nipple and the sternum
The scarring would be bad!
I am a good candidate
For a mastectomy and a recon
Back muscle and implant
Oh Yippee!!!!!
Lymph nodes out first
So grateful that they were clear
Because after all
Don't we hold life so dear?
Two weeks later had the works
Woke up nine hours later
They didn't even tell my husband i was fine
Isn't this just divine???
Eight days in a post op ward
Was this really my reward for having cancer?
Nights of no sleep on a ward with
Old people even more confused than me?
Then again i am constantly told
That i should be so grateful to just be alive
Yes, alive is good,
but not the uncertainty that is now my future in life.
What a gift you have..
Hi Alison
Just read your poems with tears in my eyes - what a person you are..... so much to live for - be strong - and keep the poems goingxxxx
oh Sharry and Trick
i didn't mean to make anyone cry xxxxxx going to think a good one up for high bp lol, if i don't boil over before then!!!!
love to you all
Alisonxxxxxxx
A taste of my surreal world
I look back on the life I used to lead
Full of mostly contentment and happiness
Then I got diagnosed with breast cancer
And all that changed
This is the point of no return
Lost in a world of fear and pain
Never knowing when cancer will appear again
A marriage made in hell
I live in a surreal world
Where what ifs and maybes is my daily bread
To live to see another day
With the demons that live in my head
My husband often looks at me and says
“What’s wrong with you, you look so sad”
I smile and say that’s everything is fine
I’m happy just to be here
I know I lie; it’s easier than truth
I often wish that this had taken me before
It really got its foot in my door
Intrusive thoughts they rule the day
The pain is so much harsher
Than I ever thought pain could be
In this surreal world that doesn’t suit me
But live it I must
Every day I hear of people
Who have lost the fight
And wonder why I am left behind
To carry this burden further still
Then I feel the guilt of having such thoughts
None of which I would ever have had before
To be at peace within myself
Something that won’t happen yet
So with my lies I carry on
In this surreal word that I now belong
To live a world of lies no doubt
As that is what life now is all about
Oh dear! My visit seems to have depressed you even more!
That's a very sad poem, whereas I have written up a lovely day in my diary. In fact I am thinking of it being the "missing link", the last Friendship one to be read out at my humanist funeral, as all the others I chose are from The Old Days, pre-diagnosis. The day I spent with you having the posh picnic (felt like Lady Muck in that chair), peeping through the windows of the isolated chapel then being invited by that farmer (because of your lovely smile and comely appearance) to climb over the stile and watch the sheep-shearing close-up, before going back to your lovely garden was a beautiful day for me. It was also a day where I felt that you and I were in the same place: like we said, anyone who has not experienced cancer cannot understand what we are going through.
Now, however, I feel bad that I only seem to have turned your mind towards mortality. In fact I really feel that I am having some really good, happy and meaningful times despite the Sword of Damocles hanging over me. You are one very special person, Alison, and I hate to see you so unhappy, and so despondent. I hope that one day your poetry will again be celebratory. Life is about change, and it happens all the time. I know that you have experienced huge changes all your life, but you mean so much to so many people, please don't let the few spoil it: who are they, little gps who dare to make you stressed and unhappy, and to stick you on all these tablets that make you feel so "surreal" and depressed? Please say it wasn't me that inspired this poem - otherwise I shall feel really guilty! Lots of love xxxx Penny
oh Penny!
that one has been sitting on my mind for many weeks, just finally got it into the words that i wanted it to say, of course it wasn't you who inspired me to that peom!!!!!!!!!!! had it have been it would have been full of words of joy and happiness! you silly billyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
now you know Penny that i love my dark side as well as my bright side, i have to let them both come through, in order to myself be true!!!!!!! hey that could be the start of another poem lol
love ya loads
Alisonxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yep - I should have remembered
that you're a Leonard Cohen fan! xxx Penny