Sick and tired
I'm going to sound really moany and depressed in this blog post but I just need to get it out before I punch someone!!
I finished treatment in April and I am still feeling pretty rough. I know that I am in remission and everything but I feel that I am still recovering - my oncologist explained that I will still feel this way for a couple more months because I had some pretty strong stuff done (haven't we all!). The main side effect is tiredness...which seems to be all of the time. Other stuff is just a sore neck and everything but I'm dealing with it. And I WILL get better, it's just gong to take time.
I have explained this to my friends and family all the time, they have been to my appointments where I'm told that I will feel this way.
Well, I always get the impression from my friends and family that they think I am lazy. I don't do a lot but it's because I am too tired to. I hate bringing the cancer/treatment in to things because I feel like they think I am making excuses. But if I could have all the energy like I used to, then I would. If I could instantly feel well enough to go out and do things then I would. But I know how my body is and I just don't feel like I could handle going out to work yet. (The people that do do it, you are amazing.)
So today, I was sitting up here in my room just checking my emails and my Brother and his Dad come over and are chatting to my Mum in the kitchen. I had already been down to see them and Ryan (my brother) and his Dad are always taking the pee out of me for being lazy and everything. They're always saying "Oh when are you going to get off your lazy arse and do something?!" and I am fed up of trying to stick up for myself because I will never win. (Times like these I wish I could shout.)
I hear them talking and I could hear my name being mentioned, so I go to the top of the stairs so I could hear them. I could hear my Mum saying how tired I was and said what my oncologist and consultant had said about tiredness and everything. My oncologist said he doesn't think I will be ready for working or college until at least November. But I just hear Trevor (Ryan's Dad) saying "That's all excuses. She's so lazy. She needs to get up and do something" and he was going on for ages saying that he could handle the treatment and everything. It really hurt me to hear that...so I went downstairs and said something like "Right ok. You go and have 7 weeks of radiotherapy and 10 cycles of chemotherapy and see how you feel. You've really upset me you know" so he just looked at me and laughed and then I just came back upstairs and cried.
I know that I do appear lazy, but I DO do things. I don't sit around on my bum all day doing nothing. I do things for myself, like washing, cleaning. etc and that really tires me out. The only thing I don't do is cook because I just cause fires whenever I try to! (long story)
It just really makes me angry. The whole time I had cancer I was never one to mope around about it and feel sorry for myself. I got on with it and did what I had to do...and even now I hate talking about it to people (friends, family. etc) because I feel like they don't even care and they think it was a walk in the park.
I don't even know but it's starting to do my head in how everyone thinks I'm just so lazy. When I KNOW that I am not.
Sorry for the rant.
Hayley xxx
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Some people!
Hi there baby girl! I cannot believe the insensitivity of some people, to go through what you have been through and for people to then call you lazy is just plain wrong! I'm surprised your mother let him get away with his comments!
If you were mine, I would just be so relieved that you were in remission nothing else would matter, ever again!
Don't let small minded people get you down Hayley!
Marsha xxx
Thanks
Hi Marsha. Thank you for the reply. My Mum did stick up for me apparently but I was in my bedroom crying and didn't hear!! Haha. xxx
Keep your chin up
I think you've every right to feel depressed & at least you can get if off your chest, so to speak, here. I'm not surprised you're still feeling so tired after all you've been through. Your body has taken one hell of a battering & it stands to reason it will take time to recover.
In a curious way now you are in remission some people will probably think you should be back to 'normal'.Could also possibly be that some people are even jealous of the attention you've (quite rightly) been receiving.
Good for you for telling them what you felt!
A friend of mine who had surgery, chemo & radio for breast cancer told me it took her a good 2 years to completely get over the tiredness. I don't mean to depress you further by saying that - she is a LOT older than you - but you will get there in the end.
So you hang on in there & keep your chin up!
Caz xxx
oh we are so lazy!!!!!
(((((Hayley)))))
Sorry you feel your nearest and dearest are struggling to understand how you are. Once treatment finishes most people think "that's it - off you go", I would have thought that a year ago. But we are finding out the hard way just how tough treatment is and how long the effects take to wear off.
Everyone here celebrates your remission and understands it will take a while to get back to your usual bubbly lively lovable self. Your mum loves and understands you. Ignore the rest, heaven forbid they ever find out what its really like.....
You just come on here and rant whenever you want honey, we know what its like
Sharry xxx
Hayley
Is Trevor your dad? Of course not. Who cares what he thinks? No-one. He is just being pig ignorant. He obviously thinks he is really funny.
It does take up to 2 years to throw off the tiredness, so don't worry about it. What kind of friends say you are lazy? Or is it just Trevor and Ryan?
However, you said something about college. You could look through their prospectus on the web. Maybe there is a part time course one evening a week you might find interesting. Or maybe you are good at embroidery, or knitting? It makes a good alibi if you are tired, and I have had some very successful arguments with my husband while sewing. Successful in that I have won the argument because I had a needle in my hand. So I paid visual attention to my sewing, and my voice was totally calm.
I cut out a dress on Saturday that I should be sewing right now. I am going to wear it to a party on Sunday! My cutting table was a little too low, because when I finished, I was sweating and every muscle in my back was aching, but I felt so proud of myself. I can only do things to deadlines, otherwise they get left in a corner.
As long as your mum is on your side, just relax and enjoy yourself. If Trevor and Ryan start up again, just say "Peel me a grape", and lean back and relax. It could wind them up more than they are winding you up. Maybe they started it as a sort of black humour to cheer you up, and it has become a habit.
Up theirs
Sweetie - I read your blog and just wanted to throw my arms around you and give you a great big cuddle. No one has any idea how exhausting treatment is - I've just got the bus into town for lunch with a friend and all I want to do now is lie down and sleep for a week. But I think the root of the problem isn't that you're tired - you were expecting that. It's that your family [or step family] just aren't understanding how debilitating treatment is, nor that there is no instantaneous cure once treatment is finished. Of course you're not lazy - you're doing as much as you can. You know that, and your mother knows that - and one day Trevor is going to understand that. In the meantime, just pity him for being ignorant. All the people who really matter know how much effort you're making and that it will take time before you bounce back. And believe me, anyone who's been there knows that cancer treatment is no walk in the park. So many people put their foot in their mouths all the time - someone from my office told me she was jealous of me staying at home all summer and watching the olympics - I told her I'd swap a stage 3 cancer and the olympics for good health and no olympics. Trevor just isn't thinking. You stick in there, pet - everyone here knows what you've been through, and what you're going through at the moment. Big hugs and loads of love, Kate xxx
Keep Going
Don't know really what else to say except I agree with everyone else above. Just wanted to send you a great big hug and hope you feel better soon, "rise above them." Your mum is your best friend too.
RISE ABOVE IT
Hi Hayley - I'm sorry that you're having such a rotten time at the moment, mainly due to the insensitive people who have made the most ridiculous and hurtful assumptions about you. You've had an awful lot to deal with Hayley, and I believe you should listen to your body because IT will let you know when it feels strong enough for work/university. If you can stand up and fight cancer Hayley, then I'm sure a few remarks made out of sheer ignorance, are not going to beat you, are they?
You stay strong for yourself, and give your body the time it needs to recuperate fully. I know they annoy you, the remarks, but let fly when you're on your own with a barrage of good old swear words, and work them out of your system. Well done Hayley - stay strong sweetheart, with love from kate xxxxxxxxxxx
Well he sounds a right eejit!
I know though that it's imposible to defend yourself when your voice isn't entirely under your control. He can shout and you can only whisper. We all seem to be coming across this sort of selfish idiot who had no imagination and thinking because you are not bleeding all over the carpet that there is nothing wrong with you. He had clearly never suffered anything like this - and one day will realise what a huge mistake he made with you.
I know it is really hard when home is somewhere you need to be a refuge, with everyone supporting you, to have this insinuated into it. Please try not to be upset or to let him push you into doing things you are not yet ready to do - he'd just moan even more if you do have a relapse, so stick to your guns. Aren't you working anyway at your computer? Well, you are working at your websites and here helping other prople with cancer, and raising awareness, and that is a job. Sorry you have had this hassle. Hope your Mum can make him see sense. Perhaps enlarge a copy of the oncologist's letter underlined and stuck on your door? We'll put him in the What Now Sin Bin anyway....
Lots of love xxxx Penny
hang in there Hayley
So sorry to hear what you are going through I too just want to give you a big hug! Dealing positively with cancer and getting through the treatments, and being in remission now is all that matters. You have done wonderfully well so far and your family should just be sooooo greatful that you are in remission and be happy for you and give you all the encouragement they can. Don't listen to negativity, you don't have any energy to waste on anything but being positive and moving forward.
You need to rest your body and be guided by how you feel, in order to make your best recovery. Best wishes and thinking of you, stay strong
Luv Carolyn xx
Rise above it Honey
Hi sweet one,
you know I agree with everything that has been said here in reply to your blog. Hayley just get that man and your brother, and your mum, and anyone else that thinks you are LAZY to read everything that has been written here, maybe then they will understand what you are going through. Like Marsha says, I would just be so thankful and happy that you have come through all this treatment. Do not waste your tears on these people they are not worth it. You will get your energy back and you will do things again and get on with having a great life, but it all takes time, these people should allow you that time , you do it on your timetable not theirs. Don't be sad, you have all the love and support from your friends on this site,maybe your family are unsure how to deal with it all, and maybe they think that now you are in remission it should be all systems go. Not the case, do it at your own speed and take no notice of them.On another note maybe you should tell your doctors what is being said, get them to talk to your family.
Love and Hugs
Steffy & Tom
hello hayley. what i want
hello hayley. what i want to send you is a big hug. the replies have said it all. you have the right to be angry with the insensitive people around you, but just now save your precious energy for you. you have been through so much and it does take a long time, years to feel better, but writing as an oap you really do have youth on your side! but take it slowly, a day at a time. you do not have to apologise to anyone or account for your behaviour. it is their problem not yours and deepdown they are probably scared that they might have one day to deal with what you are dealing with. but it is not your job to make them feel better.
You are not lazy
Hi, I'm sorry for what you heard.
Of course you are not lazy and nobody BUT YOU can really understand how you feel, because it is you who fights, it is you who's strong and brave.
But maybe Trevor said those words because he's angry... I mean, maybe he's angry for what happened to you and now that you're in remission he would like you to be back to normal more quickly, but as you're still recovering, he feels sorry for you. Sometimes when we can't express your feelings properly, being sorry is communicated throw anger. I don't want to find excuses for the words he said, but he might have used the wrong words to express his anger.
Best wishes to you, wonderful creature
Ada
sending you a great big hug
It made me cry reading your blog, some of my family acted the same way with me too, you are not lazy and after having radiation and chemotherapy it will take a while to recover . Its sometimes difficult for people who have not walked in our shoes to imagine what its like. Please dont pay any attention to being called lazy you do not need any extra stress and upset while you recover .
Sending you a great big hug Love Angie xx
hi hayley. i know exactly
hi hayley. i know exactly how you feel my treatment finished a month ago and last week i got the all clear just like you. im sure my family think its some sort of magic cure and i should be back at work which i woukd love to do but i get the impression they think im skiving off work for another few weeks when the truth is i still get tired and dont seem to have the energy i used to the doc says it will return in time but because i dont go to the hospital every day they think i should be ready to run a marathon. you hang in there and look after yourself there are lots of us out here who know the road is a long and hard one and we will win.. be good.. ken xxx.