confused and angry

Hi there, Like you I am in the early days of this nightmare and am now awaiting surgery. I find myself spending as much time as possible in no mans land, trying not to talk or think about it. This has proved a good and bad way of dealing with it and I decided to log on to this site to see how others cope.
Each week since my diagnosis I have been back at the hospital and have been given more unwelcome details than the week before. Initially I was just to have an amount of breast tissue removed, with no more treatment. Now it is skin sparing mastectomy and immediate reconstruction with the possibilities of radio and chemo afterwards.
Tomorrow I meet with the plastic surgeon to see what he can do for me after the mastectomy bit. I am today doing my research, last minute thats me! I really don't want to know, but I am having to look at photos and read about all these different procedures with myself in mind. This is not the type of retail therapy I enjoy! Sitting in my car the other day I realised that there is no turning back and that my life has changed now so I just have to get on with it as best I can. The best I can will be totally different to everyone elses but with the support of friends as family it's doable. I was diagnosed on 7th of Feb and was lucky enough to still go on a skiing hol (first time) with my family and friends. I laughed a lot and cried for England and had one of the best holidays ever. It is a rollercoaster of ups and downs with plenty more to come but so many women get through it, so can we.
I met a woman of similar age to me when I had my ductectomy, (to remove a cyst as was thought). She was having a mastectomy after my procedure and I looked at her thinking how brave she was. She wasn't really, she just had to have it done and was getting on with it. I have visions of much wailing and nashing of teeth when I go in for my op, but someone will probably see me and think "how brave" because I won't be throwing myself around. She has now become my "busom" buddy and we are keeping in touch and going to pull eachother through it. It is a long and scarey road so it's good to share how you feel with others that are on it. I can't believe how many metaphors are creeping in to this message, so apologies. Life will be full of cliches from now on! I hope this message has cheered you a little and made you feel that you are not alone, there are others of us out here just as confused and angry. Feel free to rant or write back, I look forward to hearing from you. DianeA

hi so sorry you have had to join the club! ,i was where you are now in 2006 the day i was diognosed was surreal, i was aware that it could be and had even convinced myself that it was ,but when the oncologist confimed it i was in shock for days ,despite my treatment etc bieng relatively over i still sometimes think how the hell did i ever get through it, but you will its not going to be easy but its amasing how strong we become when faced with this ive spoken to loads of survivors on differant sites and they all say the same that they fought and won .so try to get as much information that you can .take a freind or partner with you to appointments as all the info will just go over yoyr head. i kept a diary and sometimes when i lokk back on what ive written it amazes me just how far ive come take care keep posting and anything you need to know im sure there will be someone who can help. take care of yourself sending hugs lover lynn xx

hi there thankyou for the reply i think i just need someone who has been through this to talk to i know family and friends only care but i just want to be treated normal whatever "normal" is,i only went the hospital with a cyst so this came as a big shock, in the past 4 years iv had a blood clot on my lung selmonella and i caught cdiff when i had selmonella so im not the luckiest of people when it comes to health i have been up and down iv shouted at people for no reason and said things i should not have i dont sleep very well im lucky if i get 3 hours sleep a night anyway thankyou for listening sue xx

Hi all,

I was diagnosed may 2005 and like all of you my life had to change. It was always someone else that had chemo and radiotherepy. What a shock when you find yourself saying my op, my chemo. even now i pinch myself and think was that really me going through the motions. You will get through it and be amazed at your own inner strength you never new you had.
I'm going for my recon in May. That thought is terrifying me, I hope i have'nt used up all my inner strength!! The most important thing in all this is to find time to laugh, even tho' you may think you will never laugh again. But a sense of humour is a great support. Especially when you get the friends and relatives that are lost for words and frightened to say anything incase its the wrong thing. Eat well, again, eating is probably the last thing on your mind, but you need to fuel your body so that it can cope with whatever is going to be thrown at it.
I wish you lots of love and hugs,
keep posting
Debbie xxxxxxxxx

ring cancer backup, or breast cancercare who will match you with a volunteer who has been through it. I found the breastcancerhaven useless.What you are suffering is grief , which is painful , and only time heals- I've been back for my first annual review- all clear- but I have been weeping for days. The breast cancer care book by Debbie someone is brill- she said she would hit anyone who told her to be positive.

what you are feeling is foul but normal- don't add an extra layer of misery beating yourself up. Jane xx

Hi Suzyd

I'm sorry to hear that you have been diagnosed with BC. You might find it strange to get the first response to your request from a man!!

However, I was diagnosed with BC and went through the treatment and here I am! That's not to say that I didn't have some of the feelings that you currently have. I wasn't angry, though. I was more concerned with how they would fix me than being angry. I think that's wasted energy for you. I was lucky, I was one of the few men (and women) who knew that men could get breast cancer and I very quickly read as much as I could on it. Of course it was all for women - but I could take from it what I needed. Knowledge is power, they say. Some people don't like to do that and that's fine. Whatever suits you, do it. You may not need some - or any - of the treatments I had, but whatever the treatment options offered you should find out about them, don't be afraid of it.

I did need some help to sleep in those weeks from diagnosis to surgery and when cheomotherapy came along I slept even more!! But then, that's what suited me and everyone is an individual. Things affect people differently and, as I said, you may not need some of the stuff I had.

I hope you don't mind me responding to your post. I feel, now, that I have great empathy for women who have BC. You take care, trust your physicians, take comfort from family and friends and, finally, be a wee bit selfish (not in the bad way); you cope with it in the way the suits you best.

Best wishes

Bill

Hi there. I just wanted to share my thyroid cancer experience- I was diagnosed in 2007, the biopsy result in May showed something "suspicious", but only in September 2007 I got the final diagnosis. It was hard to believe as the surgeon said he was 100% sure it would not be cancer. At that point I got angry, very much so, but I could not let myself break down and cry in front of him. At home I wanted to curl up, cry, cry, and die. I think any reaction to this sort of diagnosis (be it any type of cancer) is "ok", I've broken dishes, thrown cushions all over the house, gone for a walk to "clear" my mind a bit, done a yoga set.. sometimes it works, sometimes not.
Anger is such a powerful emotion, imagine if you could just switch it off and turn all that energy into healing or positive thoughts..? But there were moments when I didn't want anyone to tell me how I should be feeling. Eventually I referred myself for counseling. I had already spoken to fellow cancer patients, but felt that I needed to speak to someone else too, someone who did not know me the way my friends and family do. It helped a lot.
I was angry at myself, at my physical body for letting me down, angry at the surgeon (who was so 100% sure about me not having cancer), at the endocrinologist (who has no bedside manner), angry at the nurse (who did not bring me painkillers after the operation even though I asked).. angry at so many things. The anger will kind of dissolve eventually..
My diagnosis and treatment were certainly different than yours, but just having that cancer "diagnosis" is enough to make one.. angry..
Someone even went that far as saying I was lucky to have thyroid cancer, it is the "easiest" cancer, but I don't feel that way. They forget to tell you about follow-up scans, blood tests etc. I am still going for further treatment (radioactive iodine).

I wish you all the best, keep in touch :)
Much love
Pia

Hi Suzyd I have been thinking about you as our situations are quite similar and I am only a few weeks ahead with getting my head around things. I have just been given a date for mastectomy with reconstruction this tues and to be honest this last 24hrs have been the worst for me. I have been running as fast as I can and as often in the opposite direction but now it's home time and i had to make some decisions.
You seem to be hitting your wall a lot earlier so lets hope things can only get more manageable for you. Facts are facts and it's dealing with them that's difficult. People can tell us how brave, positive, lucky etc we are till the cows come home but they have different shoes on, not ours.
Don't give yourself a hard time if you feel emotional, let it out. Take time out for yourself, treat yourself if you can. I dreaded my appt with plastic surgeon yest and ended up buying myself a beautiful blue jumper when I came out of the hosp. I never spend on me so now I want to remember that day as the blue jumper day and not the anxiety that was before I bought it. The anxiety was wasted though because the Pl Sur could not have been more helpful, reassuring etc. He totally put me at ease.
Still all that reassurance meant a big nothing today before meeting my oncologist with my thoughts/decision. Anxiety/fall apart central. Wasted again as he put me at ease in minutes. Not wasted really though as I needed to let it out, let it show, there are no medals for bravery in this situation.
Anyway cliches and plattitudes aside I do hope someone is around to make you smile and give your back a rub to help you sleep.
All the very best to you and all you other wonderful people out there.
Diane x

Dear Diane and Suzie,

Just a note to wish you all the best with your op's and treatments. As Diane says it is different emotionally for all of us and we need to cope the way our minds and bodies tell us to and not what others say. But I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you. I'm 3 years on since my op and treatment and feel fab, but I would never have believed it possible.

Lots of love and hugs to you all.

Debbie xxxx

thankyou everyone for your kind words, i have not replied to any one iv had a manic week seeing the drs and iv been for my pre op assessment its drs tomorrow and the injection on weds and my op on thursday i think once im through that bit i will probably be a bit more calmer i will try and speak to you in between love sue xxxx

Hi Suzyd

I am in a similar position was diagnosed n Valentine's day, how that for romance! Anyway, I by have just read and amazing book called "Female Cancers" by Jan de Vries, it has helped me 100% to cope and keep going.

Cheers, sending you a wee hug. xx

Dear SuzyD and all posters going through this, I'm 6 weeks into this now, and having chemo. first as I have aggressive little so-and so's. I don't yet know what surgery I will have to have. When I was diagnosed, drs. couldn't find initial tumour, only lymph node spread, and I and my husband went to hell and back for 2 weeks while we waited to find extent of it. SO understand how you feel; it's scary, anger-inducing, and prompts the full gamut of responses from people from A to Z. I've tried to support at least 7 friends and one brother through various forms of cancer, so have always felt it might be 'when' rather than 'if' for me. You have my sympathy and good thoughts - these things have helped me: the love of my friends and family (sounds daft, but I didn't know how much anyone cared till this happened); the kindness of the cancer team at my local hospital (I might just be lucky here); accepting I'll feel grotty but not all the time, and planning nice things to do when I'm not (they don't have to cost money!); keeping a diary so I'll have an idea when I'll feel bad; the book 'Cancer Vixen' by Marisa Acocello Marchetto, a feisty New York cartoonist; my dog; black humour; sites like this one. All the very best of luck - I'll be thinking of you. Love & Best, Maggie

Lots of love SuzyD, Will be thinking about you this week. Hope it all goes without a hitch and they are all nice to you. Do your exercises even if you dont feel like it as it is important to get your arm moving.

look forward to hearing how you are when you are up to it.

LOL

Debbie xxxxx

Also love and best wishes to Maggie and LizP. xxxxxxxxx

Debbie - Thanks for your kind thought. You look great in your pic.! Just losing hair now - looking forward to seeing it come back again. The dog and I are both moulting - now I know how she feels! You obviously know about lymph nodes and the op. - what dos and donts would you suggest - what kinds of things helped you? Love, Maggie x

Hi Maggie, i had lymph nodes out too, got a bit confused the week after (on a sunday) and went to the local A&E, bad mistake, got some locum put me on anti biotics, he told me my armpit was red and very swollen and hot because it was infected i suggested to the locum that he just aspirated it, £14. and 9 tablets later, the next day, after taking these awful tablets my surgeon told me not to even see my gp or any locum about any surgery i had had done as they were not experienced enough to know what to do with patients like us, so if you have a problem on a weekend, well, make sure you go to the hospital where you are being treated, and just try to see your surgeon, i paid out money unnecessarily and took tablets that i didn't need, of course had my bc nurse took the time to explain things a little better then maybe i would have understood the changes in my body a bit better. what sort of recon are you having? i had an immediate recon using my back muscle, had a few little hiccups but am very pleased with the results. it hasn't been an easy time, but you do learn to get by, if i want a good cry well, i just have it, my dear hubby is a very good sounding board for me, lucky for that i think
lots of love
Alison
ps, if i can help with any questions about my sort of recon i will xxx

Dear Alison, Thanks for your comments - v. helpful. I only know about the lymph node surgery as yet; don't know what other surgery I shall have to have but may find that out today. I am having the chemo. first, but I do know that the l. nodes will have to come out. If I have to have mastectomy, will find out what recon. is available and then probably ask you again! It's a long series of 'firsts', isn't it? Love, Maggie xx

Hi Maggie,

All my treatment was the other way round. First the mastectomy, with originally 4 nodes removed but infact they took 8. Then the chemo. Now 3 years on the recon. The thing that shocked me most was the horrid rubbery numb feeling under the arm. Obvious, when you think what has been done in that area, but as no one warned me I nearly had a fit first time I went to wash there. But half of the feeling is back and I have kinda got used to it now.
I wish you all the very best and look forward to hearing good news from you.
LOL
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Debbie, Alison & Suzy D, Thank you for all your comments. The good news for me is that, in my oncologist's words from last Thursday, it will be 'very unlikely' that I will have to have a mastectomy. This is because they still cannot determine the extent of the lump in my breast - it must be v. small. So only a lumpectomy and lymph nodes, which is great news. It is great to get the kind wishes and thoughts of you both - indeed, everyone - on here, a real boost. I do hope SuzyD will be back in contact soon - if you can read this SuzyD, I am thinking about you and hoping all has gone well. Love to everyone, Maggie x

Dear Suzy, I hope you've been as OK as possible after the op. Been thinking about you and how you must feel. I suspected that some of the people telling me to be positive were doing so to protect their own feelings. They feel like they've done something helpful telling us to be positive - in fact ordering us to Be A Good Girl and not make a fuss, which would embarrass or upset THEIR equilibrium. Meanwhile we are plagued by our imaginations, and fears fuel fear. I think a lot of us end up being amazed at what we can cope with. Let it all out here, anyway!!! Good luck and best wishes. xxxx Penny

hi everyone im back home all went well with the op ,i have slept for england since friday, my dressings came of this morning and iv got to have phsysio on weds its back to see the consultant next week to see if it has spread so fingers crossed , iv been quite sick since thursday so iv got to take some meds for that,hope everyone else is ok been thinking about you all lots of love sue xxxxxxxxxx

Hope the anti-sickness tablets are now kicking in. We'll keep our fingers crossed for you. xxx Penny

Hi Suzy,

Glad you got through it ok. Rest well. Hope all your results are neg.

LOL

Debbie xxx

Dear SuzyD, Been thinking about you and it's good to hear you're back home now. Keep up with the sleep, here's really hoping all the results are negative, and that you're not feeling sick any more. Will keep sending good vibes your way and look forward to hearing some good news soon. Love and Best, Maggie xxxxx

Hi Suzy
Everything has moved quickly for me, I feel like I'm living in some sort of bubble. I went to my doctor on 14/2/8 and he told me it wasnt BC. However I told him that i knew my own body and i knew I did have BC.
He said he'd refer me to the breast screening clinic but not as an emergency, because he was certain it wasnt BC. On the 26/2/8 I had a mammogram, ultrasound and 5 biopsy samples, the doctor and breast care nurse both told me that all the test, all point to BC, but to go back 4/3/8 for the results and what treatment I would need. To tell you the truth I dont know how I felt.
On the 4th my consultant told me I was to have a full left mastectomy! I said to him "thank you". So on the 13/3/8 I said goodbye to my left boob and 29 lymph nodes. Since then my consultant has also told me that I need two different courses of chemo, three months of each and that they are using the strongest doses of chemo because I'm at high risk of cancer returning because ha wait for it ... I'm young, fit and healthy! How the hell do they work that 1 out!
I still dont know how I feel really, I certainly wont let it beat me. I feel exactly the same way you do about peple saying "oh you're so brave", its not a case of being brave, as I see it, it has happened we have to deal with it the best possible way we can. Another thing that annoys me is people thinking that I'm poorly or ill, if anything I get tired easier, thats it.
Anyway I think I've gone on a bit. If you ever feel like you want to have a moan, chat or anything, then please feel free to contact me. Take each day as it comes, there will be some good days and the obvious poopy days. Do whats best for YOU. Take care and I hope everything goes really well for you.
love n best wishes
Kerry

Hi Kerry,

Been there, could be reading my own events and thoughts, only i'm not quite as young, but fit. It makes me think that I should have enjoyed all the bad things i avoided for a healthier lifestile!! Ah well, shit happens and as you say we must get on and deal with it. Great to hear your views. There will be off days, its only natural. Lots of friends out here if you do feel down at any time.
Good luck with all your treatment. Keep us posted

Lots of love,

Debbie xx

Hi Kerry - You haven't 'gone on' at all - anyway, why shouldn't you? I'm obviously not as young as you but counted myself fit and healthy ( ie gym twice a week, walking twice a day and biking too) - I also have to have high dose chemos, 3 months each one (4 Epirubycin/Cyclophosphamate, followed by 4 doses Taxotere). Have you got the same? I'm coming up for the third and telling myself I'll be over a third of the way there when that's inside me. You just have to go day for day, really - it's sh**tty, but we just get on with it. . There ARE poopy days, and there will be more - but there are if you're well, too. I can certainly remember some bad work days! I don't care if people think I'm ill - it's their problem, not ours. Only thing I got puzzled about re. other people was a 'friend' of 30 years' standing who, after hearing I couldn't have her to tea because I'd just found out about all this, said (a) 'Don't get an NHS wig' (b) 'I'm really shocked' - and hasn't contacted me since!! (2 + months ago). Most have been lovely, and even if they've found it difficult, have carried on helping out and contacting me. And I know it IS difficult for others, because I've tried to support various friends through various cancers myself.

You'll be fine if you keep YOURSELF at the forefront of your mind - I wish you well and happy, and know you will be. Love and Best, Maggie

hi Debbie
thanks so much for your message. I'm so pleased that you are doing so well. You're an inspiration
love n best wishes
Kerry

Hi Debbie
Thank you so much for your message. I'm so pleased that you are doing so well. You're an inspiration.
love n best wishes
Kerry

hi Diane,
Just letting you know that i'll be having the same chemo that you are having. I can't remember which one i'll be starting on though.
I have certainly found out just who are true friends. I think with most people is that they just don't know what to say. It's funny but when I told friends etc that I had BC, that it was me that was supporting them but I think it kind of helped me too.
You certainly sound a lot fitter n healthier than me, my work is my excerise! I didn't have time or energy to go to the gym after a shift at work. I live in Skipton but work in Leeds with young adults with learning disabilities and challenging behaviours, I don't drive so I depend on public transport. So what with travelling and the work I do, my main exercise was loads of walking, so I was shattered when I got home. Great job and I miss the ladies I support but this time next year I will be back there, driving them nuts!
Anyway thanks for taking time out to write to me, it means a lot. keep in touch and I wish you all the very best.
Love
Kerry

Hello fellow "going throughiters"

I got home last Mon after mastectomy and recon on the first of April. I have to say that had I had to wait any longer for the op I would have been a jibbering wreck by the time they took me in. I was terrified. Anyway after an 8hr stint the op is done with some lymph nodes gone too. Things feel and look much better than I anticipated.My oncologist and plastic surgeons were fantastic with me and did a great job. I went out shopping yesterday to buy a suit for my 7yr old son and even though I was shattered on my return I felt normal for a while. I had the back flap doofer and have filled with fluid front and back a couple of time so needed to go back to the hosp a couple of times to be relieved of the excess. Pretty sore but that is only to be expected. Appt this thurs to get the histology and staging of what was removed not looking forward to it but hey ho I can't not turn up! Have been advised that chemo and radio are often given anyway as insurance to make sure the cancer has been blasted from every angle so am as ready for that as I can be and already thinking of wig styles and colours. Met a lovely lady from cancerkin in the hosp who had had both breasts done 20years apart with the back flap recon, she looked great and was a great help to me on what was an emotional day. Once one joins the cancer community you meet the most amazing and interesting people. I do hope you ladies (and gents) out there are having a good day. Best wishes DianeA x

Hi Diane,

Great to hear that all went well and you sounding so upbeat. A real inspiration to all. keep up the "up and at em" attitude, its good therapy.
All the very best for your results on your return to see your specialist. Keep us posted.
LOL
Debbie xxx

Dear Diane, Glad to hear all went well. May you go from strength to strength! Love & Best, Maggie xx

You sound as though you are being so brave and determined (much braver than I was when confronted with hospitals!), and I'm really glad that things are now being sorted for you. Yes, success to you, and keep us all posted about the Ch/RT situation. Lots of love, xxx Penny

Hi SuzyD What you are going through is the “Blurrrrrr” of diagnosis, or as Martin Luther King Jnr put it. “The Paralysis of Analysis.” Only time will change things. I agree most cancer patients I know are not brave. On good days they /we are stubborn, selfish and grimly determined. On bad days, just scared like rabbits caught in headlights, we aren't bravely bearing anything; we're just hoping the damn thing will go away or somehow miss us.” People don’t know how to react to us.

Rooting for you. Terry

Just wondered how you were feeling now, and if you managed to get the book I mentioned.

I have now had my 2nd chemo cocktail and so far so good. Have lost all my hair,but have glamerous wigs!

Have another hug xxx

hi liz i did manage to get the book i am finding it very interesting i have had my surgery but iv got to go back in on 1st may for more surgery since coming home iv got the flu and now iv got a chest infection iv been back to see my consultant and iv got grade 3 i start radiotherapy after my next surgery then chemo then tamoxifen thanks for the message im glad you are doing ok look after yourself love sue xxx

Wow.... It really is a dreadful time...a Dr told me, after I came round from fainting at the news that "things didn't look good, but they'd need to get the results back" that there would be better times ahead. I wanted to slap her. 19 months later (mastectomy with reconstruction, chemo and radiotherapy).... my hair is back, MY LIFE IS BACK, and I have to admit she was right.
Grit your teeth through the nonsensical platitudes... people amaze me still with what they say about it all, and do whatever it is that you need to do to get you through each hour and day.
How you feel is how you feel, don't punish yourself for it.... we didn't sign up for this, so how can we be expected to do the "positive thing" all the time?
A fellow BC patient told me that sometimes all she could manage was breathing in the early days.... Me, I had chemical assistance to sleep and carried Xanax in my handbag in case I felt I couldn't cope.... just having them with me was enough, I knew I could take one anytime.
Today a friend recommended a nudist beach to me.... I really must have moved on!
Good luck with all that is ahead.
EJ x

For me, it's the sheer loneliness of it all. Yes I have girlfriends, and yes they are good listeners, but at the end of the day I find myself still alone. I live in an all male household with husband and teenage sons, and if one more person says to me how wonderful this husband is about everything I shall scream and scream and scream. He is, in fact, utterly useless. I'll give you an indication: I threw up everywhere the other night (didn't make the bathroom in time), and called out to him for help (the single only time thus far). He appears standing at the door with cloth and floor cleaner, ordering me to move out of the way. He doesn't ask me if I'm okay, nor does he bother to help me stand up or to sit on the bed. No. Not him. After I drag myself to the bed and lie down, physically and emotionally exhausted, he cleans the mess and then asks me if I've seen the air freshener. I haven't and tell him so. He tells me not to be 'narky'. I just lay down. Shut up (as per usual) and say nothing (as per usual). Silence is my only defence. What I would not give to have a husband who would hold me tenderly (not him), tell me everything's going to be okay (not him), at least attempt to show some compassion (not him), someone to talk over my fears with (not him - never). And not only that, last Christmas he made the point of yelling at me that everything's my fault - always. So I can't win. Cancer or not. Chemo or not. Radiation or not. No intimacy of any sort for over 9 months. But he is very good at playing the doting husband in public. I am so fed up with everything and everyone talking about me, about how good he is to me, and no-one talking with me, that I am suffocating. It is very hard to retain positive thoughts when domestically I am so very unhappy. I was going to leave last year. But now? No money or place of my own, no family to rely on, no career to fall back on, and no comfort anywhere, I am living for the day I finish this horrendous treatment and maybe then, I can have some time for me - rather than having to always be the strong and together one for everyone else. That, I find, is more tiresome than everything else. And if one more counsellor tells me I need to wear lipstick to feel better about myself I will not be responsible for my actions...grrr...

Am horrified at your description of his attitude. He sounds very calculating, acting chilvarously in public so that he can be praised for it, then being a total sh*t back home. I can just imagine everyone else being taken in, exlaiming, "Isn't he wonderful. You're so lucky to have him!". This is horrific for you. My partner is a bit useless, but at least he is (except when drunk) lovely and means well. Mine just can't accept that he is going to lose me, or what this will mean to him, and is well inside the Denial Box. Yours however sounds like some Tyrant out of The Barratts of Wimpole Street. I know exactly what this sort of situation feels like, and have been in a similar situation of no money, nowhere to go - but to have to deal with cancer on top of that is horrendous. As for your consultant, I hope it's a he, as then you can stick that lipstick right in his eye and tell him you feel a lot better for it, thank you... Keep in touch xxxx Penny PS I am still seething, having typed that. Are you able to come to Buxton Get-Together?

hi everyone i havnt been on for a while its been a whirlwind of appts i had to have my tooth out last week and my chemo starts tomorrow anyway karis i can totally understand where you are coming from all i want is a hug and to be told everything is going to be ok but my hubby thinks if i want a hug i want sex as well which is annoying my two eldest which are 23 and 21 have done nothing but argue with each other and there dad so iv been really stressed they can be selfish little brats they dont realise what an emotional state you are in you see iv always been the one to do everything for my family they think the faries come in everyday and do it!!! if i wash its ironed the same day but now i am ill they have got to do things for there selves and they are realising just how much i do for them anyway i will stop ranting i do know how you feel love sue xxx

hey you could be talking about my family as well Suzy, they really can be brats, but then we have to forgive them for not being so understanding, take some comfort that they are trying to live the good old normal life, all the very best for you chemo x will be thinking about you xx
lots of love
Alisonxxxxxxxx
ps, i just had my first anniversary of diagnosis of bc yesterday, ok, still have me ups and downs but am still here xxxxxxxxxxxx

i have only been dx since march so iv got a long road to go was it the same for you the bad depressions and mood swings i get so god dam angry with everything its like i dont care who i hurt isnt that terrible my emotions are up and down i will shout one minute and cry the next there is one good thing i am back in touch with my brother who i have not seen for 4 years that was through family arguments but we are going to keep in touch thanks for the reply and take care yourself love sue xxx

oh yes, i know the mood swings so well, and like you i am now in touch with my three sisters that i had not seen for over 13yrs, again a silly little argument! i'm not going to lie and say it gets better, i still have my bad days, i just think that i sometimes manage them a little better, thats taken a lot of doing, i am seeing a councilor now and i have to say that i wish i had done it long ago, also, i find letting rip in my blog helps cos i know that anyone who reads it will understand how i feel and thats good. xxxxxxxxx
lots of love
Alisonxxxxxx

I have been reading some of the past blogs and came across yours. One of the things that is making me angry is people telling me how good I look! I am just about on the second-last Chemotherapy cycle and feel very tired, sick and generally awful, I am counting the days now the end but I want to be realistic and trying very hard to be positive but wish people would acknowledge how I am feeling and not tell me how I look! My hair is growing back with Capetibine (scuse spelling)but my usual fair hair is now coming back black and curly. I feel gutted but people seem to think I should be delighted. Anyway it was good to read your blog and it made me feel much better.

Thank you.

My hair came back dark and curly. Now very straight again, but has stayed fairly dark. I wasnt fair, just grotty mousey. So hopefully in time when you have had your chemo hair cut it will return to its original colour.

I totally understand where you are coming from re the "you look good" bit. I sometimes wonder what they expect you to look like. Some of my friends did ask first how I was feeling then commented. But not everyone had the sense.

Your treatment will all be behind you soon and you can get back to rebuilding your future. But in the mean time keep visiting here and getting some support from the people that know exactly what you are feeling and I hope you can take some comfort from us.

lol and hugs

Debbie and April xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx