Father's Day
Posted on: Tue, 10/06/2008 - 22:55
Offline
Father's Day
My father is terminally ill with prostate cancer with bone metastases. He was diagnosed 2 and a half years ago and is now deteriorating rapidly. He insists on living alone but is now at a stage where he can barely manage to get himself to the toilet or take a shower. He hasn't eaten for two weeks. We are hoping he can get a place in the hospice for a bit of a break - but other patients take priority and space is limited. He has mentioned that he was hoping to get to the seaside one last time. Really want to take him but he says he isn't up to the car journey. I can't decide whether that's the physical reality or the sheer fatigue and depression he is going through.
I would like to do something special for Father's Day. Do I bundle him into the car and make him come to the seaside? Or do I just spend time with him in his little flat where he rarely moves from his reclining chair rather than risk making him worse (if that's possible)? How does anyone know what the right thing to do is? How do you know when an opportunity has passed?
I am heartbroken and confused. Can anyone advise?
Firstly it sounds as though your Dad could really do with a Hospice place. As you say, they are very limited in some places(eg just 20 beds for the major city I live in). What do the Cancer MacMillan and the District Nurses say about his situation?
As to Father's Day, I'm really not sure. How long a journey would it be? It could be that he will really enjoy it, and perk up a little by being out with you somewhere lovely and seeing the sea. On the other hand, it may be that this is something which you would do, then realise that he had agreed just to please you. Maybe you could just take him somewhere much closer like a beauty spot and have a picnic in the car. (I have been very grateful for this when I have not been feeling too good.) If this feels like too much effort for him, perhaps you can just go over, have a picnic on his bed (yes, seriously!) and look at old family holiday photos, and talk with him about the places you have been to.
I'm sorry, does this help? I know it's hard to imagine how lousy one can feel unless you've been there yourself. Whatever you both decide, I am sure that he will be touched by your offer. May you have a meaningful day together. All my love xxx Penny
Penny
Penny has made some good observations. When you say your Dad has not eaten for 2 weeks - is he taking in any foods? When my wife could not physically eat solids - she found that a 'build up' fruit drink blended with Cornish ice cream was almost enjoyable! Is there anything you could tempt him with as a treat?
If he is not up to a trip out, just being with him - is perhaps enough.
Is he past watching a good film or video? A home picnic with a good film or just talking & listening - might be appreciated.
In any case you could perhaps make a few suggestions about sharing the day with him - so at least he can choose!
The right thing to do - is probably respecting his wishes, even though it is not what you want for him! If there is an opportunity - I'm sure you will recognise and grasp it.
I pray that you will be guided now and in the difficult days ahead.
John
Each day is a gift - that's why we call it the present!