Feelings after cancer - remission but depression

Now I myself am not in remission (n fact quite the reverse LOL), but I might be able to understand what you are feeling. The trouble is that one finishes the actual treatment which is mostly conveyor-belt stuff with no counselling, and no-one really giving you any clues as to what caused it and what we can do to NOT cause it again - then you are jettisoned back into the world outside. Having had the terrible worries of cancer, it's quite hard to empathise with colleagues who may be moaning on about quite petty things. It's also still hanging in the back of your mind that it may one day come back, and there is the stress of the check-ups. Have you found that maybe life isn't feeling as wonderful as you anticipated that it would be if only you survived?

Did you ever have any counselling, or thought of asking for something like this. Do you feel slightly isolated by your experience? I wonder also if there is a support group near to you where you can meet other people in same situation and share experiences and strategies for "afterwards". Wishing you all the best xxxx Penny

Dear Peachy
I think I know exactly what you're feeling. I haven't finished treatment yet - I still have 2 more cycles of chemotherapy - but I am already thinking about 'life after cancer'. I'm hoping desperately that my scans will show no evidence of disease, and yet I am scared silly at the thought of losing the support of the hospital, nurses, and all the infrastructure which we benefit from as patients. The regular phone calls from my clinical nurse specialist, the knowledge that I can call the cancer ward at any time and just say "I'm having chemotherapy" for everyone to rally round and help me. I'm really frightened of taking back control of my own life. I know I've got to do it and I also know that I am very lucky that it will probably be possible ... but I find it difficult to imagine that I can do it on my own. But thank heavens for What Now and for the example of friends here. If they can do it ... so can I! And I know that everyone will be behind me every step of the way. I'm quite sure that you will find loads of people here who have been through the same experience and will be there to "hold your hand" and help you in any way possible - I'm certainly counting on their support myself! Please keep in touch - I know you're going to find lots of new friends and will be able to discuss your thoughts with other people who have gone through the same thing. Very best wishes. Kate xxx

hi allpeachy
I know where you are coming from. I went for my first appointment last week with the specialist and was told my lung was clean and sounded as good as it looks, on the tues i was on a high but on wednesday those depressive feelings were back. I feel the cancer has competely ruined my future i will always have this black cloud over my head as to whether it wil come back or not, i certainly cant do what i used too and also feel a bit of a whimp now and i was a real strong person before. I felt completely abandoned last week when the doctor said to me oh we wil see you in four months ...... oww now i am on my own, and the cancer nurse who i could phone anytime told me i dont need her anymore...... the physciatrist that i have been seein once a fortnight said i wont need her anymore as i was to start a recovery and balance course a few days later, Everybody is real happy for me and saying go on get on with your life, but the good news has not brought about any change over night i am still tired, still in pain and still depressed. I have been having some real bad dreams this last week too, that i only have four months to live, that the cancer is back and other nightmares.
I am going on holiday with my hubbie on sunday in our camper and am looking forward to it, but there is also a side of me that is real scared of going.
I feel so ungrateful and guilty when there are so many others on this site and in life that are not so fortunate as i am, and i am winjing i wonder why i cant i stop all this and get stronger in my mind, think i have used so much up the last few months fighting it that dont have alot left at the moment
take care all and keep in touch peachy. love caz

NO-ONE should be feeling 'survivor-guilt'. OK some of are not going to be survivors, but that makes those of us who aren't all the happier that most of you are! It is a fantastic boost to everyone's morale, including mine when someone checks in to announce that they have a clear scan, another chance.

It does seem that it is a bit the same whether you survive or not, in that treatment is over, bye bye! This happened to me - but to be honest I was rather glad to get out of the door of the hospital, and felt, well at least I am home again - but then I have always been a bit of a non-conformist LOL.

I'm so sorry Caz that you are having nightmares. I think that whilst we are having treatment, we are so keyed up, and the scrutiny is quite intense. We have to leap across a chasm to get into the mindset of coping with the treatment - then this has to be crossed back again into the real world - which doesn't look quite the same any more.

I really hope that each of you manages to adjust back again. I suspect it will take a few routine check-ups before the shadow will start to lift. I think we can get scared of going back out into the world again. We have discussed before that a sort of agoraphobia or social phobia overtakes people who have been locked into treatment. We worry about how long side-effects will last, and whether hangover side effects could suddenly strike again. I think that we have to go gently, and have patience, but also support and love from everyone around helps a heck of a lot.

Lots of love xxxx Penny

You should pick up Lance Armstrong's book "Its Not About the Bike". He talks about how much harder it was for him to be a Cancer Survivor than it was to go through the horrible agonizing, brutal chemo and fight to live. Its interesting the struggles he had and he is very, very open about how he felt and the thoughts he was having. Its a great read all the way around and you might find you align with some of what he was feeling as well.

Good luck, take walks if you can in the fresh air outside and LOOK around you. Its amazing what a simple thing such as that can do. My husband often doesn't feel like it, but he makes himself go with me when I walk the dog and when he does go, he determines the length and scope of the walk, so he is comfortable. He always feel better afterwards, both emotionally and physically.

Hang in there, and congratulations on your remission.

Lori

Hi Allpeachy

I hope you're OK. I think all of us on here understand just what you're going through. It's hard trying to get back to normality, and friends and family do seem to treat you differently without realising it, which automatically makes you feel different and even more isolated.

My cancer was nearly 7 years ago now and thankfully I've been clear ever since, but I still struggle at times to get my head around what I had. I still have really low periods that I can't seem to snap out of, but then feel stupid and guilty and ungrateful because I'm still here and healthy. Outpatients' appointments in particular make me realise just how lucky I am compared to other people, but can make me feel like a total fraud at the same time because I get to go home after my check-up and haven't been through half of what some people have had to put up with, and so shouldn't have anything to complain about.

My first year after diagnosis and surgery was the worst (not helped by my then partner deciding he wanted to end our relationship only two days after I came out of hospital - talk about timing!), but it definitely gets easier. And you come out of it a much stronger person (most of the time anyway!). There's no one real thing that's helped me, so I can't really offer any advice on 'you should try this' or 'you should try that', but talking to other people about it definitely helps and you're certainly in the right place to do that!

Take care.

Rach
xxx

It's just good to be told that you understand. I am having counselling but she seems to want to rake up old childhood stuff. It does seem as if cancer has a habit of concentrating everything that has gone wrong in your life! Thanks for your support, and it sounds as you are still battling on, wishing you all the best and it's good to meet you. Peach

Hope you're feeling okay on the chemo, Kate and good luck with the scan. Even after a year, waiting for the results of the scan was really hard. The trouble is in 'real' life I don't really have any support, after a terrible bereavement that has swept the rug from under our family. Thank goodness for friends who do ply me with a glass or two now and then, but it's a matter of acting with them really. It is so very much the sudden loss of the medical support, you are so right. I love to see my CNS when I have my 3 monthly clinics (I'm on a trial so see them more than would otherwise). Thanks so much for answering, and I'd love to carry on chatting to you, and the others who have responded to my message, a plea for attention really! It's difficult to ask for help when you're used to being independent isn't it. Best wishes, Peach.

Hi Caz, it is good news that you are all clear and you sound just like I felt when they told me in August that after one year from treatment there is no evidence of disease (how carefully they word it!). I've just said to Kate how much I love seeing my CNS at clinics, but she has told me in the past that I don't need to phone her anymore between times - I felt a bit like a piece of data rather than a patient. I think we do learn to almost depend on the security the onco and the nurses give us, and when it's taken away you feel very lonely. It's not good that you are feeling the same, or the others too, but I'm so pleased to meet you all. Have a lovely time in your camper, and I hope he makes a real fuss of you. Don't be scared, it is our minds that limit us in what we can do in overcoming the experiences cancer gives us, emotionall and physically. There's me spouting what I am trying to tell myself!
I feel pretty empty and tired, and need some topping up. I hope I can give and take on here with you guys. Thanks so much.
Love Peach.

Hi Lori, thanks for the recommendation, I'll certainly take a look at it. Funnily enough before all this I used to be able to cycle quite long distances on a Sunday afternoon - I now have a cross/elliptical trainer in the dining room instead, incase I can't get back again if you know what I mean! It looks out on my garden which I have used as a get fit tool - it's a little wild due to a depression I think, things just don't get done at the mo. It's difficult to climb out of the black cloud Caz mentioned, but with messages like yours it does help. Thanks for your congrats, it did feel so great at the time - lots of champers and laughter, but bump coming down and facing the world again - maybe harder because you have no excuse anymore??! I take it your hubby is coping with cancer in some way, you sound very strong and wishing you all the best, P

Hi Penny, guilt is a horrid thing - I am told it is born from resentment. I have been left with terrible feelings of guilt after the very person taht cared for me last year is now suffering grief, and although for several months I was able to support them, I have been unable to sustain it as after my own experience I feel I need to get on with every day, without sadness. But the guilt doesn't go away and affects every relationship I have - it's creeping into social and work life, with self doubt and low self esteem. Social phobia or anxiety I don't know which, but it's threatening to cripple me. I need to find a way out of this. But how can one possibly ask for help, knowing that others are not as fortunate as you? P xxx

Wow, when you said you feel like a fraud - that's exactly it. You don't belong in the 'I'm having chemo' Kate was talking about anymore, and you don't feel too bad anymore (depending on after effects), so what have you got to complain about? And whose going to understand how you're feeling inside, when you look so well on the outside? We're so hard on ourselves though, feeling guilty for feeling like this, vicious circle! It's good to share this Rach, thanks for being brave enough - it's difficult to admit it really. BTW you're better off without him! I've been on my own since I was pregnant - it didn't fit in with his 'lifeplans'. Well - many things in life don't do they!!! We're the strong ones, and thanks for telling me that it does get easier. I suppose just understanding what's happening and knowing it's normal is the greatest thing - which I've been reminded of on here. What a find this place is - I'm so pleased. Speak again I hope, P xxx

Hi Peachy,just felt l had to message you,because like you l am what is termed as " in remission" what ever that means,after being diagnosed with Terminal Lung Cancer back in May of 2005,l was told in was inoperable,because it had spread,but the hospital assigned me a palliative nurse and said l would have Chemo to give me quality of life!! The Chemo went well,so it was decided l could have Radiotherapy,to possibly extend the time l had left,and here l am three and a half years later,l am still here in reasonably good health,apart from breathing problems at times,bee going back to the Hospital for six monthly checks,initially every three months!
The thing with me is,the build up to the hospital visit really stresses me out,until l get the six month reprieve once more,then l nearly skip out of the hospital "wellmaybe a quick step", its such a huge relief,but then l start to get depressed a couple of weeks later,on and off,but cant predict when it will happen,its just this big black cloud that decends on me without warning.I even feel guilty sometimes for being alive,as people of all ages around me with cancer,are either very ill or dying with it,
Then l start feeling as if there is nothing wrong with me,that l was mis diagnosed,but in that case,l'm thinking why am l having all these aches and pains,in my head,and my back,then l think well it must all be in my head,get on with your life,at least your alive,even my family don't understand what is going on,and when l try to explain how l feel,l get looked at as if l'm not all together there,but this time when l go in October,l am going to ask these questions,even though my consultant is a man of few words,l feel now,that l need to ask,although in the past,l have been too frightened to!!
So Peachy if you feel anything like l have tried to describe to,l will be very happy to hear your feelings and why,then hopefully maybe we can relate to one anothers doughts fears and depression,its not as easy as you think to move on after cancer,is it??
Hope to hear from you, take care ,love Loobyloo.

God, I can sympathise with you really. I haven't been "cancer free" for long, but I do remember the feelings I experienced following the doctors telling me that there was no cancer anywhere in my body - chemo had put it to sleep! Oh yeah? I spent a good while mulling over this information, didn't believe it, thought the doctors and other medical professionals were lying to me, and that in fact I was really at death's door. All these thoughts running around out of control in my head - my head was fit to bust!! I seem to have reached a wee space where I'm now at peace with it (nearly) and am trying to enjoy my life until I see the oncologist in mid November. I'm sure you'll get more responses from the people on this site - never met a better bunch anywhere. Lotsa love from kate xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi all, i am not in remission yet just finishing the first stage of 8 treatments of chemo before surgery, then rads, then pills bla bla but, i have been living with my daughter for past 6 months and now this first stage is over i am moving into my own flat in between the last chemo and before surgery. Whilst i am looking forward to being independent again i think having cancer you keep to your safe areas, eg mine were home with my family, work and hospital for treatment clinic etc and i havent moved out of these safe areas these past 6 months for the fear of feeling vulnerable. Even making an appointment to see the flat was really scary for me only after the first 6 months of this. We take all the treatment on the chin and get on with it but we do lose confidence without realising this. Its not surprising one feels depressed after its all over, you live on a knife edge until the all clear signal sounds then you have to build up life again to get out there. Its the end of treatments that we should have counselling i think, just to unburden all the fears we have pent up during dealing with this pointless disease.

To be honest i am not surprised people feel deflated instead of elated after its all over, its a nightmare to have to live through.

Much love to you all xxxx

Yes, I think we should all be asked whether we would like to have a session of counselling after our manumission from the oncology department. I know that this would mean extra funding from the NHS - shock horror - but it does seem to be something that so many people would benefit from. I suppose this is where the Maggie's Centres come in. They are trying to raise a couple of millions for this in my home city. However, we are getting two brand new Arts Centres (a separate one just for BMEs), and the main one is struggling to raise its £13 million so the Council (ie tax-payers, ie us) are going to step in yet again and hand over the shortfall. Whilst art gives me enormous pleasure and intellectual stimulation, I really do question the need for two new arts centres in one city, when so many people are affected by cancer but have nowhere to go, Why should raising money for this just be down to fantastic people like our very own Lesley raising funds from coffee mornings? Seems some priorities are just wrong. xxx Penny

totally agree with all you said, like you, i am all for art and new centres but not enough money is put into cancer care. I know the NHS try to do their best and lets face it, most of us have to go through this system we cant all afford the BUPA care but all we do is just go through the system. At the end of it we are left to try and pick up where we left off, worried about the return of the disease as with most of us it does return elsewhere in the body but expected to be joyful and go out and celebrate!. I am sure those who are in remission it is the best news ever but, no one explains that its not that easy to go out and carry on where you left off. I am usually a confident person, I work, had a responsible job before i stepped down to do what i do now but never afraid to ask or do anything. I totally shocked myself after only 6 months at the amount of confidence i have lost in myself. I prefer to stay home and not socialise out of work hours anymore as I feel conscious in wig and scarves and tell everyone its ok, next year when i am over this i will do this or that but will I? I think its going to take an enormous amount of willpower to do so. Mentally it knocks you for six.

Anyway enough doom and gloom from me, its a rainy sunday and time to curl up and watch and old black and white film with large cup of tea lol.

love to you all xxxxx

I think I must have been very lucky. Maybe because of my Thyroid condition, I was able to enrol on the "Expert Patient" or Patient Self Management programme. People with long-term conditions, like COPD, Diabetes, Multiple Sclerosis and Cardiac problems. can meet and learn how to cope with their own health problems. It deals with a lot of the psychological problems associated with long term illness, and teaches how to deal with them. How to list problems when you go to see your GP.

All this is very useful, but perhaps the main benefit is being able to talk to each other and support each other. Even when the programme is over my PCT has a further programme of buddying at social meetings and carrying on with the mutual support, The things they don't tell you in hospital or by the GP, can be explained by someone else who has what you had. A bit like us.

Ask at the GP surgery, or try your PCT website. It could help a lot.

Rwth

Hi Loobyloo
Thanks so much for your frank and brave message - you really have turned it around and you know that of course, but those 'what if's' ...
It's the uncertainty that clouds our minds - and the lack of space to voice or express our doubts. So we hold it in, and then depression. It's a vicious circle as you keep finding the strength to push the fears down again, until something happens - like an upcoming clinic which brings it all to the surface again. I am told it will get better, perhaps it becomes less debilitating. I am managing to move on in certain aspects, work for instance, but nighttimes remind me and I find it difficult to sleep.
It's so good to be able to talk on here, and I'm so glad to have found all the people who've answered - not quite so alone, because that's how I feel, utter isolation. It doesn't help being a single parent, with little family around for me anymore. Thank god for friends who keep bouncing back, even when I've managed to push them away, and for you and the others on here!
Take care yourself, lovely to talk, thanks,
P xxx

It's difficult to believe what you're told I know. Mine said I had no more chance of getting cancer again than anyone else! However I have met 3 people who had the same as me and have had recurrence after 2 or 3 years and have had to have surgery - at least there is that fallback position. I'm glad you're coming to terms with it, I think I've come to accept the uncertainty but need to be able to live with it. I find that stresses unrelated to my health are very hard to cope with, always on the edge and afraid I'm going to crumble. I've been told that my latest depression is part of a healing process, when you become emotionally aware of what's happened to you, not just logically/rationally - so the mind has to find a balance (counselling sort of helps, but can stir up a lot of stuff too).
Good luck for November, my next clinic's in two weeks, and I have a referral about a worry I've found also in the next two weeks. Roll on December!
Thanks again and hope to speak again,
P xxx

Hi Janis, thanks for that - I do feel vulnerable. Sometimes I would like to say, 'don't be too hard on me, I've only just got over cancer' - but you can't can you? Imagine the effect on your colleague, friend etc. I look very well now, in fact I have had envious comments about my slim size 14 figure - tempted to recommend the cancer diet! in my darker humour moments, but thank them graciously - just try to cover up the fact that I can only eat small amounts, and rush to the loo more frequently than they do. Beginning to sound ungracious now - but that's what's good on here, you've given me a lovely symbolic cup of tea and old film to comfort me - it's not often I'm given anything (fact, not self pity, as a single mum).
I have lost a lot of confidence and I made two false starts in getting back into work, feeling a failure both times. But I managed it in June and have found a very supportive team within the NHS to work with. I started off volunteering for a local environmental group, doing their filing and phone calls - maybe you could try that too when you're ready. Meanwhile, moving is one of the top stresses, though it must come below cancer of course, so take your time and do one thing at a time. I have struggled with relationships since I have been reestablishing my independence, and have had to be very firm (very exhausting) with those who it suited for me to still be dependent on them or being treated like an invalid. It seems ungrateful I am sure, but after this experience I truly believe we have a right to live our lives, however long it may be, just as we want it and not as it suits others.
There, got that out! Thanks Janis and lovely to meet you - hope you'll talk again soon.
Love and take care, P xxx

Hi Ruth, it's so good to hear that someone gets support! In my area Macmillan only support terminal/palliative patients, so I was refused support or any of there related activities as I was told my prognosis was too good, I was not ill enough and 'isn't that good for you!'. Well heck yes, but I've still got cancer, duh .. I was referred twice by two different medics but got nowhere. So one gets used to expecting rejection or nil support and getting on with it alone, but getting used to it messes with your head.
A combination of having a rare cancer too has meant I have felt very isolated. So much is given towards Breast Cancer aptients, and even more common long term illness, but nothing for those with less common (or less fashionable, like Bowel) disease. I have been invited by a friend to go along to their BC support group, but I tried it and felt even more alone, I didn't fit in - not with the women, they were lovely, but with the talk and care being offered for their specific needs.
I even tried to start my own support group but the commitments became evidently far too great for me, without several like minded people and the support of the professionals. CNS's are supposed to help with these groups, mine couldn't be bothered. So here I am a year on still wanting to meet like minded souls for reassurance that I am somewhere near normal.
It's a great thing that you have been included in, well done and if only other PCT's would do the same.
Love P xxx

sounds exactly what's needed for people emerging from their encounter with cancer. I wonder why this is not available? I suppose it is the usual £££. I have to say that I actually found that I haven't had all that much support being terminal, until I transferred hospitals to the Marsden. Once again even this seems to be very much postcode-based.

Perhaps when this website has continued to grow, we shall gradually be able to link up people in localities and some groups of "What Now Cancer Confounders" can get going where people can meet and support others who have emerged from the sausage machine. Many of us have already made enormous efforts to meet up with each other already, and I'm sure others have got as much benefit, support and joy out of these occasions as I have. I have certainly found that it doesn't seem to matter so much what type of cancer we have, there is still plenty in common. Just being with others who understand helps so much.
Lots of love xxxx Penny

Read on another post that you were feeling better Allpeachy and I just wanted to say "YAY!" I'm so pleased. While its a terrible club to belong or site to visit, it is very uplifting in times of such magnitude. Well done and keep it up. Fortunately we aren't all down at the same time! :) So we can help each other in that way.

Hi Peachy,thanks for the feedback,and l just feel so much like you, its as if the words you write are coming from my mouth,So l am grateful for someone to relate to what l feel. But do believe that there must be a lot of people who have had Cancer who feel like we do,and also do agree that there should be some sort of Counciling session to follow the cancer treatment,think also that sometimes we don't feel as if we should feel like this,that we shouldn't talk like this,as we should be grateful for still being alive,and as grateful as we all are,and l thank God every day that l am,but this depression and uncertainty,the fear that it will come back,just will not let you get on with your life, some days l do manage to push it out of my mind,but it is always on my mind when l go to bed,and almost every morning when l wake,it is probably the first thing that comes to mind!!
I do have a Macmillan Nurse,but unfortunately,just don't seem to be able to comunicate with her,not my fault,or hers either,but she isn't the sort of person l have gelled with from the beginning,and like you,l dont have a big family,l am devorced,and l have one daughter,she was sympathetic and supportive to start with,but now l am over my treatment,and in remission,its all over and done with as far as she is concerned,and its not sympathy l want, just a little bit of understanding now and again,someone l can talk to when l am down,l have got angry in the past,and probably have taken my anger out on her,but like l have tried to say to her,if l cant talk to my own daughter,who can l talk to,so now l just keep it to myself,its just one big viscous circle,anyway Peachy l do feel for you,and if you would like to talk to me anytime, l will be here for you, just send me a message,and l will get back to you,we have to move on,and l know some people deal with it so much better than me,l wish l was one of those people,
Bye for now and take care,love from Loobyloo xx,

Hi Lori
It's true, the clouds started to lift when I began to share my feelings with everyone here, and I feel so very grateful and have a really strong feeling of belonging. So much that I wish that if only I could actually meet up with everyone. We're geographically spread, but close on here and that's what counts isn't it.

Do you, or anyone have any advice here - I've started requesting buddys but not sure if I'm using it properly, or how to make the most of this facility now?! How do I use it best to keep in touch.

If anyone is an expert, or hasn't received a buddy request because I've done it wrong, can you let me know? Thanks - good on computer but finding this site a bit complicated.

Lots of love Lori, and everyone. Hope you'll revisit - it was great to speak to a couple of people on the chat forum, something I've never done before either!

P xxx

Hi Loobyloo
I know how it feels, this isolation, alone with yur thoughts. I don't think close family is the answer, they are too emotionally involved to be able to support you. Not that they don't want to, it's just that their love for you means they get hurt by your depression I think. Let's try and share our feelings on here, or if I can get to the bottom of how the Buddy system works then maybe on there - although chatting on the thread will probably help others too, and that's a good feeling to have isn't it. I would love to gather everyone around who's come on here, I've been given so much warmth. Keep talking Looby, it's doing us such a lot of good I think.
Lots of love, P xxx

Hi,

This is my first message but I feel like I know you already as you have described how I am feeling exactly!

I feel really down and then big waves of anger and misery, what is going on with me ?

I feel really ashamed as last night I started sobbing and I just cannot stop and feel so guilty.

Am I mad ?

Issy xxxxxxxxxxx

Hope you don't mind AllPeachy if I respond to Issy here.

Issy, first please forgive yourself for all your perceived weakness, whether real or imagined! No guilt! The way out is the way through and not everyone is at the same starting point. We all go through it though and that is what connects us. You are in the right place so please come often and join in. It will be a relief to know that you are not alone and others have been where you are or are there now. When you get through it and you will, you can return the favor and be there for someone going through as someone who knows.

Join us in the Chat room. It is very light and silly, nothing too in depth because its more like a room full of people at a party, so lots of different conversations. But you will meet people there and if there is someone you recognize you can have a private chat with them.

So blow your nose, wipe your eyes, take a deep breath and just do your best. No shame, no guilt, no judgement. If you feel like crying, by god you do it! If you are angry, go throw rocks at a tree or something (try not to attack family members or pets, it doesn't go over well!).

Full disclosure, I'm a caregiver. But my hubby, 49 just diagnosed in June. Otherwise completely healthy, first time ever in the hospital! It has been very hard for both of us. While its happening TO HIM (I remind myself!) it is happening to me too, just differently. So we are muddling through and being supportive. The good thing here Issy, is not everyone is down or up at the same time. So those who are UP help those that are DOWN and then it switches around. So come back often and get shored up with all the wonderful people here who care deeply about you, a complete stranger, with lots in common. Best, Lori

Hi Issy, we need to shrug off guilt and understand that our feelings of anger, sadness and resentment are natural, feelings very similar to grief after our experience. You are def not mad and coming on here is a very courageous step, here you will find support and caring from people who know from their own experiences what you are going through. I hope you will come back and talk some more, or send a private message to any one of us if that feels better for you. Sending yu lots of love and hugs, P xxxx

Hi Lori, these threads are started by one but owned by everyone who contributes, or who even reads silently and hopefully benefits. It is a great thing that we can each support one another when the other may be occupied, or weak, until they can join in again. That is thr true benfit of this site, the group support which provides strength. Best wishes to your and your husband, P xxx

I know how you feel. I finished treatment a month ago, am in remission, but it is not easy dealing with what has happened. It's almost like my brain can't process how I could have been so ill, gone through such gruelling treatment and come out the other side, all in six months. I know it's a cliche, but it feels like a dream, like it happened to someone else.

All I can say is that "one day at a time, one step at a time" is what I know helps me.

Hi Peachy, i was in remission for a year and i used to have panic attacks. I can relate to others who said it was as if i had dreamt the whole thing. I found i could not talk about what happened to me without bursting into tears. I wish i had seeked help when i felt like this because i now feel like i wasted my 'well time' Unfortunately my cancer came back. Get your self some counselling, i think it is a bit like post traumatic shock that we go through when it is over.
Good luck and best wishes xxx

No youre not mad at all Issy
- I've had exactly the same sobbing episodes (I'm 6ft 2 and built like a brick outhouse lol) so much so I went to my doctor who gave me cyclopram (I think thats what it is) and Its been a great help for the anxiety. I have recently had a kidney out which apparently included all the tumour, Recurrance is about 50/50 and I got really depressed thinking I couldnt possibly be in the surviving 50% I'm coping much better now and have counselling -I asked her the very same question - am I cracking up ! She told me all my sobbing, depression and worrying about the future was pefectly normal behaviour.

No youre not mad at all just perfectly normal.

Hi thanks so much for your reply, its such a shock to be so upset now as in December I will have been in remission for 3 years.- so I don't get why it is now that I am so miserable, and it is a really BLACK state of mind totally not how I have been at all.I feel too ashamed to talk to the nurses on the ward ( i have maintenance treatment every 3 months ) as I have been so positive up till now, I feel as though it is something that I should just get on with, but sometimes I feel so bleak and really desperate- should I have counselling ?was it really helpful ?I really do want to get over these feelings.

Issyx

just started my counselling and have had 1 assesment session where the mechanism of anxiety and depression were explained to me . My real sessions begin in 4 weeks. During that first exploritory session I began to feel that I wasnt going mad as the therapist explained it is natual behaviour for some people. I don't want to rely on cyclopram for the rest of my life, and counselling should be the answer. I'm taking cbt -cognitive behaviour therapy, to break that anxiety/depression circle.

I had 2 really black Mondays before I sought help. I planned my own funeral and looked into ways to "end it all" if my cancer came back.
I told my wife not to worry about me as I wouldnt suffer etc,and sobbed for 12 hours solid. Those two consecutive Mondays were by far the most miserable dark days of my life. Don't feel ashamed- I know thats easy for me to say but your "shame" could prevent you getting good treatment that will enhance your quality of life

Yes seek counselling through your family Dr. Talk to someone and cry as much as you care to. It wont make you any worse but will make you feel a whole lot better.

I call it guerilla warfare you guys! When you feel it coming on, grab your oozie, go in, confront it, shoot the hell out of it and get out fast! One skirmish at a time. If you look at the whole battle its overwhelming! :) Lori

sorry

Hi Pete, I take Citalopram too. I was'nt keen on taking it at first but it has really helped. Im pleased your seeking counselling, but stick with the pills too because they really do lift your mood. There's no shame in taking anti-depressants xxxx

You're right - I lost all shame. shyness caution and indecision they day I found out I wasn't actually immortal ! which was 9th July 2008.
Citalopram have been a godsend and I don't think I have actually cried and definately have'nt sobbed since I was prescribed them. I did stop taking them for 2 days and felt myself sliding back into gloom so resumed. I still worry about the future, I wake up thinking of cancer and I fall asleep thinking of cancer but somehow its a calmer thought process and I don't get anxious.
I don't want to take Citalopram for the rest of my life, which is where the counselling will come in (hopefully) however that said I would prefer to live with the quaility of life since Citalopram than the darkness before it and if that meant long term presciption then so be it.

I've also read on the onc mailing list that anti depressives/axniety can help boost the immume system by keeping you calm and relaxed - although somthing negative probably evens that effect out.
So in short I do get the highs- the hope and the confidence that everything will be ok, maybe just maybe things will sort themselves out, but don't get the lows so much - and when I do they are easily managable by taking an interest in something else. Its benifited me but most of all its benifited my family as they no longer have to see tears running down my cheeks and me unable to speak without sobbing. We can talk about the future without the dramatics lol.

Have you found cit to help ?

You're right - I lost all shame. shyness caution and indecision they day I found out I wasn't actually immortal ! which was 9th July 2008.
Citalopram have been a godsend and I don't think I have actually cried and definately have'nt sobbed since I was prescribed them. I did stop taking them for 2 days and felt myself sliding back into gloom so resumed. I still worry about the future, I wake up thinking of cancer and I fall asleep thinking of cancer but somehow its a calmer thought process and I don't get anxious.
I don't want to take Citalopram for the rest of my life, which is where the counselling will come in (hopefully) however that said I would prefer to live with the quaility of life since Citalopram than the darkness before it and if that meant long term presciption then so be it.

I've also read on the onc mailing list that anti depressives/axniety can help boost the immume system by keeping you calm and relaxed - although somthing negative probably evens that effect out.
So