How do spouses of sufferers cope

Sorry and sympathise with your position as I am in the same leaky boat, bailing hard. My wife has secondary liver cancer and has been told there is no cure only treatment. I am helping her the best way I can, doing her meals, shopping cleaning etc to take the strain off her. She is off work, and I have given up my parttime job to look after her. Therefore we have more time together now than ever before in our 42 years of married life. She has asked me to be strong. She has asked me not to breakdown but to try and carry on as normal. So, the plan is we take things one day at a time. I try not to think ahead too much as I can be overwhelmed. I go with her for chemo and make sure she goes to bed when she comes back. I ask her to wake me in the night if she wants to in case she is frightened. I take the phone calls as she often doesn't want to speak to anyone. Therefore Franco, each of us must deal with the situation in our own way. There are no easy answers here. I will try and ensure my wife has anything she wants. The children do visit quite regularly too. Why not talk to your wife and ask her how she wants you to handle it, take the lead from her. Try and be strong. Alone you may feel alone in your situation there are many many others who understand what you and your wife are going through. Talk it through with others. Be strong my friend. Peace. David

Hi Franco
My sympathies also at this difficult time. My situation is slightly different in that my husband has been diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer with liver secondaries and is undergoing chemo at the moment. I think probably all of us who are supporting loved ones through such a difficult time experience that feeling of total helplessness when we watch them suffer and can’t seem to do anything to alleviate their emotional or physical pain. I agree with the advice from DaveC. From the start my husband and I have always tried to be honest and open with each other about how we deal with the situation, he’s very much in the “driving seat”. Just being there for your wife in the practical ways DaveC has suggested and reassuring her of your love and support will go a long way to helping you both deal with the days ahead. I have had to learn not to feel guilty, frustrated and frightened when, despite my best efforts, I just seem unable to do anything to stop the pain, or sometimes despair, that my husband occasionally feels. Remember also, for the times when you just don’t know how you’re going to cope, you’re not alone. You need support as well, someone you can talk to about how you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing. This site has loads of lovely people who can offer both practical advice and support during those most difficult days. May you be blessed with strength, courage and understanding as you travel along this very difficult road. Best wishes. Esther

I am so sorry to read your blog. it is a very hard time and i feel for you deeply.
I went in to automatic pilot after a while. You have to manage all your emotions, as well as everything else. It is a natural feeling to feel useless but im sure as eggs is eggs you are far from useless.
I hope you have a good back up team, family, friends and health care. don't try to take it all on on your own, use any help offered, as it is what people want you to do. It is so important to look after yourself and eat well, no matter what. My husband went into the hospice on a few occasions to get his meds sorted and to give me a rest (although i never realised that at the time). I cant stress strongly enough the benefits gained from this. The first mention of the Hospice makes one very jumpy, but things are different these days. They do all they can to get you sorted so that you can go home and have a bit of quality to your life. After our first visit there, that was where we phoned if we had any worries as they were better geared up than the A & E to deal with our problems.
I wish you both all the very best. Please keep intouch as you will get plenty of support in here.

lol and ((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))

Debbie And April xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you to everyone who replied, it gives me strength to know I am not alone.
My wifes cancer was bowel with liver secondaries too, this cannot be cured only treated.
I feel frustrated when I cant do anything to take away the pain and despair she is going through.

It is worse for the partner than the patient. I am an ex-patient. I have recovered, and I am sure that it was much more difficult for my husband than for me. He had all the hard work for one thing. He has had to watch me having the side effects of chemo and I have since discovered that he was not sleeping. He thought that when I got up at night, it was to be sick. I was only actually sick in the daytime, or in the evening, and it only happened in two cycles.

Your wife won't always feel weak. Often she will feel quite strong emotionally and will be there for you. It's a two way street you know.

Try and get some days out and enjoy yourselves. It will keep you both going if you have a bad day to remember some fun you have had recently. If you can build in some minutes to get out in the fresh air together, you will feel better for it, even when it is raining. It doesn't always rain but it seems like it at the moment.

We have such a happy memory of sitting in the sand dunes listening to the tide coming in. I can walk to the woods 5 minutes away and listen to the birds. I live in a city, so there are places you can go without too much difficulty.

This is such a good time for your marriage if you can share it honestly. My mother had that experience for a couple of months, and it made such a lot of happiness for them both, even though he died of lymphatic cancer.

If you must worry, pick on something close, like the next scan, and do it consciously for 5 minutes. You will find you can't worry for long on purpose, and it stays away for a surprisingly long time.

Best wishes

Ruth

Hi

It is hard for the carer, sometimes you feel you can't do right for doing wrong,we have been married nearly 36years and i have said in the past that if one of us has to go first I would rather it be me as I am very scared of being alone.I hate seeing Bob upset and in pain he is being very brave about it all, but does get down at times.
I am normally a strong woman with a very responsible job but am finding this very difficult to cope with.
My sons are very good and I have marvelous friends who are there for us both.
Things do get better as time goes on and you appreciate every moment.
Bob has bowel cancer with liver secondaries also
I just wish you both all my love and the help here will give you strenght it has me

Love
Tina
xxx

I am a carer for my husband and yes its so hard to watch the ones you love in pain and tired and just not not caring about anything. I felt useless for him i wanted the pain to go away. He had penile cancer last year but it worked it way up to his Lymph glands and he had to have a large tumor removed on febuary. But the they found two more tumours he found this so hard hes only 37 and everything was why me. He stays positive so much and i have to aswell we have 3 children that keep us going. You will get the good days and the bad and youre wife will get some energy from somewhere and wont always feel so weak. Just be strong as much as you can and all we can do is be there for our loved ones. Big Hugs Pink.x

As you can see from the other comments, you are not alone. If there are 2 million people in the UK living with or after cancer then there are at least as many family members like you trying to cope with the consequences.

It's no good pretending it will be easy, but the things that will help most will be open communication with your wife and finding outlets for the difficult emotions you are going through rather than bottling them up.

If you are facing your wife's future death, this may be something you can plan for together. There is a website called www.hospiceoftheheart.org which deals with this exact matter. You might also want to visit my website. It's new, but I hope will build into a supportive community especially for family members and friends.

My own experience was my mother dying many years ago now, and it was really hard. Working with emotions rather than hiding from them has allowed me to deal with this and now be at peace. I wish the same for you.

With best wishes,
Anne