I feel alone and scared

Its difficult, and the way you feel is just the way you feel. Everyone is diffferent in the way they take the news.
It was confirmed my wifes breast cancer had returned two months ago, and in some ways she has taken it better than me. Or at least thats how it seems on the outside.
Theres not much more I can add sorry.
Best wishes to you both, hope all goes well

Paul

Hi, I cannot ease your pain, but can empathise with you as I am in the same boat. My wife has a secondary liver cancer following breast cancer operated on in 2001. My son as had leukaemia as a child and was treated on and off for 7 years. He is disease free but 3 weeks ago had to have a skin cancer removed off his head. He is still off work.

I give you this information my friend as a token of my understanding of what you must be going through. I am no stranger to tears, and my heart feels heavy. The night is the worst. Therefore you are not alone in this. I, too, want it all to go away and things 'normal'. However if this is not to be then the both of us can do things. We can support and try and be strong. We can talk to our wives. We can share memories. I only wish that I had a magic wand to wave so that everything was restored to healthy normality. Let us progress together, let us 'act' strong for that is what it is, an act. If you want to email privately feel free. You are not alone, although you may feel it. God Bless you my friend, and your wife too. May he give you the strength and Grace to see this through. Peace David

Thanks for your replies. I know no one can say anything to take the pain away. Your responses do take the solitude away. I should remember there are always people worse off than me. I work in a mortuary so I get a reminder every day. In many ways it is not helping. I have some leave in a couple of weeks which should help. My GP offered to sign me off sick but I want to maintain as much normality as possible for my wife.

Working in bereavement I know I need to face my emotions sooner or later otherwise I will never recover. Now is just the wrong time.

Is there anything you could suggest that my wife and I could do together to keep us positive. She wants to lose weight before her augmentation in December so I was thinking of some gentle walks etc. on our own. (Her family seem to have moved in).

Any other ideas gratefully recieved.

Hi mgoddard

I am new to this site and I too am in a similar situation to you, my husband has just undergone major surgery for reoccurence of cancer. I can fully understand when you talk of normality whenever possible as it is so important to us too. We have found that the one thing which helps us both is basically that we talk honestly and openly together, as at first we found we were being 'polite' and not saying it as it was as we didn't want to upset each other. We have also decided this time around that the telephone doesn't have to be answered each time it rings - we have advised our friends and family that if they leave a message we will always get back to them and they are absolutely fine about this (its us that feel guilty!) This way if we need rest or manage some seldom found relaxation we get to enjoy it - the first time round we didn't manage this and learnt from the experience.

I hope you find this useful mgoddard, please take care, you are both in my thoughts, Lin

I am stuck on this one as I have the same problem. However, what do you think of treats, I don't know where you live, but local parks, zoos, theatre, walks, a drive out to a picnic spot followed by a picnic. At home how about - don't laugh - Scrabble, cards , a new hobby. Talking is a great help, there is plenty of advice n this and other sites. I prayed for you both this morning at Mass. God Bless

Your wife and you are not alone.

David

Hi Mgoddard,

I totally understand how you are feeling. I felt everything you describe when my husband was diagnosed last year. I was like you, I did not want to show how upset and scared I was in front of my husband and my children. I found crying in the shower was good because I was in there alone and the sound of the shower covered up the sound of my crying.

Fortunately for us, things are going well now... we are on the road of recovery. Hopefully they have found your wife's cancer early enough and they can treat it and get rid of the cancer. And then one day, you will be on your road of recovery.

I think it would be a good idea to have some time out of your job though...working in a mortuary is not exactly going to help you be positive. I am a nurse and I have felt unable to work through my husband's cancer and treatment. I just did not feel as if I had any "more" for any one else. I think it would do you and your wife good to have some time out. It is your decision though....

Take care and chat soon. Let us know how you and your wife are doing

Best wishes

JG XXXXXXXX

It's hard looking on! My wife had cancer of the tongue in 1992. Sorted with drastic surgery and much therapy!

10 years on in 2002 - a new unrelated cancer of the Thyroid. Surgery and radioactive iodine therapy. We got through it! Doing okay - in remission.

I recognise the: "stop the world I want to get off!" "The thoughts of what if...."

You can't always hide your fears and tears and do need a shoulder to cry on. Someone you trust as a good friend. A valve - to release the tension.

God be with you both..

John

HI I KNOW HOW AWFUL YOU ARE FEELING BUT PLEASE DO NOT FEEL THAT YOU HAVE TO HOLD BACK THE TEARS. MY PARTNER CRIED HIS EYES OUT EACH TIME WE HAD BAD NEWS AND I DID NOT THINK ANY LESS OF HIM OR FEEL THAT HE WAS NOT BEING STRONG FOR ME. YOU HAVE EMOTIONS JUST LIKE US FEMALES AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO HOLD THEM IN. CRY TOGETHER. TEARS ARE A GREAT EXCUSE TO HAVE A HUG AND A KISS AND CUDDLE!! NEVER TO BE MISSED!! IF YOU WANT ANY HELP THEN THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE YOU IS TO HUG AND PECK HER ON THE CHEEK WHEN EVER YOU THINK SHE NEEDS IT OR YOU JUST FEEL LIKE IT. WHEN YOU HAVE CANCER YOU FEEL VERY VERY LONELY AND ISOLATED AND SCARED WHO EVER YOU HAVE SUPPORTING YOU AND A HUG MEANS SO MUCH AND CAN HELP THE TEARS TO COME THAT SHE MAY BE HOLDING BACK AS SHE DOESNT WANT TO HURT YOU. I AM SURE THAT SHE WILL BE FINE AND GOING FOR HEALING AT A SPIRITUAL CHURCH WILL HELP YOU IMMENSELY, AS THIS IS WHAT WE DO FOR OUR SUPPORT AND THEY ARE WONDERFUL, CARING,LOVING PEOPLE WHO WILL UNDERSTAND. PLEASE TRY IT TOGETHER. LET ME KNOW, LOVE TO BOTH TINAD

Dearest MGODARD,

How your words bring back memories. I can only repeat what everyone has said to you already. Your emotions are not selfish but very natural. If you want to escape the family then try to tell them, that you both need a little bit of together time. Have you thought of having a night away. You need not go far from your house. But to be in a hotel and out of reach from everyone (although they mean well). Just to spoil yourselves. Have you both thought of talking to a councillor from the the macmillan or via the local doctors. Either together or on your own may also help.
To be there for your wife you must look after yourself both mentally and physically. Laughter is a great boost. Whether with your wife or with your friends. Beware not to feel guilty if something makes you laugh as it is a little break from all the sadness and heartbreak you are baring at the moment.

lol and hugs to both of you

Debbie and April xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

my husband has been diagnosed with stomach cancer, although relatives have suffered from varios cancers some survived and unfortunatley some never made it, I thought i had a good idea cancer and its effects but never knew it would be like this, like you at times i want to run away but the love we have for our partner is stronger than that, i check my mail each day in the hope of finding someone who feels the way i do,so i'm here. stay strong.