Living with partner with cancer

I know exactly how you feel as my husband has a stage C1 bowel cancer, and has had no less than 3 operations, and chemo. He has been throughhell.

Little to add as my feelings echo yours exactly - except that i got the same cancer 8 weeks after him. Not as advanced so no chemo but the op ws bad enough. I have been looking after him for 18 months now as he has been off work all that time. I feel like a prisoner sometimes too.

So we both have it, my operation followed his shortly afterwards, we were propping each other up the entire time. All this just after my Mum passed away with brain mets from original bowel ca.

My opinion is that a good preferably female counsellor (is that sexist?) might bre of use to you, so that you can have a really good rant about it all.

My heart goes out to you.

Best wishes, tamara xxxx

I went through all the feelings you are having when my dad a few years ago was diagnosed with cancer.

Now its me !!!

Feel the anger pain hurt - your entitled - I know that those closest to me have suffered hell these last few months - not just because of worry etc but because believe me Ive been a bugger to live with !!! ;0)

Coming on here and writing down how you feel is a huge start - and it will help you. Anytime you need a rant, a cry an anything get it off your chest on here.

Only advise I can give is to follow your own instint and feelings and do what you think is right.

take care
Les xx

i have put my dear husband through hell and high water since i got diagnosed, i don't mean to but sometimes i feel a bit smothered, that sounds awful but its just how i felt, now after seeing how upset he got on New Years eve, well, it made me sit up and realise that this breast cancer didn't just impact on me, it was awful for him as well, but its so easy to just go into your own little world, you don't mean to do it but you do. i think i am getting a lot better now, i am determined not to live cancer, i will live alongside the fact that i have had it but it won't rule my life if i can help it. as Les said, come on here, let it all out and have a good rant and a rave, its good therapy and we will all support you as best we can.
Alisonxxxxxxx

Hi Annabelle,

I cry reading your message. Your feelings completely echo my own.

My husband (37yrs when diagnosed) had penile cancer last year.

Besides, everything that you have said and the fear of being left alone with two young children and trying to control your own feelings while trying to help them get through their own feelings. I had the:-

Anger- At the fact that my husband was not getting the care from his consultant , nurse specialist and nurses that I know he should have got.

Anger- that my husband and his parents would not listen to me.

Frustrated and helpless - because they would not let me do anything about it.

Guilty- That I did not just support him in what he wanted to do, leave all the wranglings alone.

Guilty- that I should be upset by all this when my husband is just "dealing with it" and thought that I should have some support in all this.

Unfortunately it is something you go through with cancer. We are not the first and doubt we will be the last.

You've just got to try and get through the other side in relatively one piece.

I was upset by my husband's parents. Things they said , things they did or did not do. I think the cancer makes you really sensitive and you have so many things going through your head that communication goes through the window. You are trying to deal with it your way and they are trying to deal with it their way. My daughter has a saying now "Chill or be chilled" (I think it is from High School musical). Try not to let what others do or say get to you so much. Believe me I know how difficult that is (my daughter got her read hair from me). But try to.... stop.... count to ten and smile. Then when they have gone chuck the sweets in the bin!!!

I know the difficulty of trying to talk things over with your husband/partner. I was worried about the future , what his cancer would mean to him, lymphoedema, him trying to get back to work, living and peeing without a penis. I was trying to get things sorted out at the begining trying to talk to him, trying to get him to discuss things.

I don't know... he just seemed to have cacooned himself. He had a wall up around him that words could not get through. Fortunately for us we have not got the problem of trying to have a family. Their must be someone you can talk to about this. Someone that can help you get round the fact that you are looking to the future, after the treatment and the fact that you love him and want his children and all he wants to do is get rid of the cancer and live.

Cancer puts a strain on your relationship, but it can also make your relationship stronger. You just have to get through it.

All the best to you both,

JG

Thank you so much for all your replies. I thought it was odd that nobody had posted anything on this forum yet but I guess people with husbands/wives were using the other family forum.

It is really comforting to read messages from people who understand. Thanks to Les - what you said about feeling entitled to my feelings was important.

It's been a tough few days. Sperm bank this morning and answering questions about what to do with it in the event of death. This whole cancer thing really subjects people to such personal insults! We've managed to make quite a few dry jokes about 'wanking off into a pot' so at least we're able to laugh some of the time. Sorry to use such language here but everyone seems to be quite frank about things and I think it helps.

I was really touched to see so many of you replying so thank you ever so much. After only a week of using the forum, I think it's going to be tremendous support.

Love to you all xxxxx

Hi again

Having a sense of humour helps loads!!! If you can laugh about it then it somehow makes it better, sounds daft but you get the idea! Not that Im belittling what this awful disease is.

Im glad you feel you have got a little support from here and hope you keep coming back for more !!! ;0)

Take care
lesley xx

It was so interesting to read your comments. My husband is 41 on Sunday and has advanced terminal bowel cancer.He was diagnosed in 2003. It feels like this has been going on forever in our lives. We eat, sleep and breath cancer and it sounds selfish but i'm actually feeling so sick to the back teeth of being the strong one at the moment! How awful does that sound?!

My hubby has been amazing right through this whole ordeal and has had 3 huge operations and so much chemo we've lost count! We are very positive people by nature but we are finding it hard just now. We have squeezed in lots of holidays this year to make the most of it and build our memories with the kids who are 14 and 11 ( girl and boy respectively)

I , like you, absolutely cringe at wedding invites. All those happy people with their lives stretching out ahead of them really make you feel like a total outsider! I find that very hard to deal with.

My husbands family are great the majority of the time also but sometimes i feel we are poles apart. Their reality is so much different from mine even although they are trying to be supportive. Even their cheeriness drives me nuts ..i just don't feel like being like that when i've been up during the night and watched him be in so much pain all day long. its awful.

The kids are brilliant but it is so hard on them. My wee boy is finding behaving at school hard just now so i end up dreading picking him up from school as don't know what i'm going to get hit with next! My daughter has her standard grades this May so she is throwing herself into her studies thankfully and she seems pretty well balanced at the moment.

I feel since i gave up work to look after my husband, my life is seriously on hold., Its been months of hardley any distraction and i fing that difficult. When i am with my kids i am feeling like i should be with my husband and vice versa. Its a nightmare!!!!!

Anyway, i hope this first message of mine hasn't been too depressing, but it was lovely to read your message so i thought i'd reply,

Take care
Lisa

I am the son of a very, very recently diagnosed mother, who has secondary bone, liver and lymph node cancer and they still havent found the primary.

Over the past week and a half I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions and no doubt will continue to do so.

I feel so much anger at life right now, that my mum could be struck down like this just when she was looking forward to my dad retiring and the two of them spending time together. She was so looking forward to just doing the simple things in life that many of us take for granted but now the future looks very grim.

I feel anger at the hoardes of relatives who are now turning up and dominating visiting times when any other time they dont give a s**t and hardly see her.

I feel anger at her GP who has basically been ignoring her symptoms and worries for far too long and only bothered to send her for an mri after my dad accompanied her to an appointment.

I feel guilt in that I always moan when I have to go visit my parents for a couple of hours once a fortnight, yet they are the only 2 people in this world that would lay down their lives for me and now when I realise this im probably going to lose my mum.

I feel guilt that when i visited my mum at the hospital tonight i couldnt wait to get away.

Life is so, so, so unfair.

To all you poor sods that have just had as much as you can take. I send a huge hug and kiss. You don't realise it but you are all very special, remarkable people. I have been through it all as well and reading your threads seems like reading my own diary. Having lost my hubby last july I now find myself very alone. I have good friends but they cannot replace what I have lost. My mother-in-law was talking about moving away with my brother in law today and when I said (joking) you cant go and leave me, I was told I have my own family. Well being married for 24years I thought they were my family! I sometimes wonder if the hurt will ever heal. I am an optimist, so It must pick up at some point. So hang on in there, look after yourselves and laugh, it is so important.

lots of love xx

Hi to Debbie,

sent you personal message.

Sorry computer froze on me while in chat room.

All the best

JG

Hi,I thought I would join after reading all the posts as I seem to deal with it easier by writing down my feelings and that you all seem so united with one another, guess just helps..
I can relate to the 'concerned son' as I am an anxious and upset daughter whose Mum has bone cancer and they cannot find a primary...yet.. she is due to have biopsy on Monday (which happens to be her birthday..)
I sympathise with you about the GP, as for four months she has had bad pain and even went to A & E twice only to be told it was muscular and to rest..but two weeks ago I had enough and called an ambulance,..then they did an MIR scan and found the culprit..!

I am lucky in that I am only 10 mins from the hospital and work for the police so they have been fantastic with emotional support and so I have been able to see her everyday but that still does not take away the hurt and pain and that I am losing my best friend.
My dad only died last May from cancer..my friend described it well in that I am losing both anchors in my life..but I do have plenty of friends and a good family, however like we all feel sometimes you just feel so alone and angry..

try not too feel guilty but I do understand that feeling, believe me...

Dear Annabelle,

I also share the various threads within your note - and don't think you are alone or indeed the first person to make comment as a partner THE SITE HAS RECENTLY BEEN CHANGED HENCE ONLY JUST STARTING TO DEVELOP AGAIN!

I in fact was given 3 to 6 months to live and placed on DLA Special Measures almost 2 years ago, see my story on the Multiple other cancers forum and also Lung Cancer Forum. I would strongly encourage anyone to at least consider the following tips which have certainly helped me get here today.....and by the way I'm doing pretty well really and rather than kicking up the daisies I am regularly cycling 30+ miles at a time and doing a couple of motor bike rides each week - still can't walk very well which is a bit of a mystery, but what the hell life is pretty good really!

I have my own ten top tips for people and their families who discover Cancer affects them and I reproduce them below,

MATTS TEN TIPS

1. Do not get angry or start looking to blame others or wonder why your GP didn’t refer you earlier. Who are you going to get angry with your anger and similarly the anger of your loved ones can only affect you and your family. Anything that detracts from your ability to come to terms with the cards you have now been dealt can only have an adverse effect on you and your treatment.

2. Despite the temptation, which often seems quite overwhelming, to keep things to yourself – DON’T. The dreaded word Cancer should not be something whispered in quiet corners and talked about behind close doors. To be able to become focussed for your battle you, your family and friends need to be able to openly discuss your Illness – Remember that although all cancers can’t be cured ALL CANCERS CAN BE TREATED.

3. Talking about your cancer will initially be very difficult, especially when old friends (who don’t know) phone up telling you about their great holiday and how well you were looking last time they saw you. If you have access to E Mails take yourself to your computer write a “round robin” letter to your friends about the discovery of the cancer, what the specialists have said, any treatment they are proposing or tests you still have to have….write this at the computer by yourself - have a jolly good cry whilst you are writing it….but remember point 1) don’t allow yourself to feel angry. Send this letter to everyone starting it off Dear Friends, I am sorry to toss this bombshell to you but thought you should be aware of my recent unexpected news. For the last twelve months I have been complaining of ….etc

4. Use the same letter but personalised to other “Family Members” – the news is the same so don’t spend every second in front of computer

5. If you don’t have a computer write one letter and get copies!

6. Regularly update your “Round Robins” – You will be surprised how it allows you to focus on fighting and more to the point how grateful friends and family will be.

7. Listen to your body but remember chances are that half the pain you are now aware of “because you have cancer” would more than likely be there anyway after all you are older than you were, it is winter cold and damp and remember that accident x years ago etc – Yes listen to your body and if necessary ease up slightly but if you were doing things the week before you were told you had cancer why can’t you still do them today!

8. Be aware that you are a lot stronger both mentally and physically that you possibly think – get your act together discuss things openly, allow people to help you do the things you want to but don’t get them to unnecessarily do them for you.

9. Realise that despite the many hiccups you may well encounter on the way you can develop a positive attitude. Cancer is just like a long and winding country road enjoy the good scenery and get past the rough areas as quickly and as safely as you can.

10. Failure only begins when you stop trying to succeed – don’t give up and the very best throughout your treatment utilise the discussion groups!

These are some of the things that have worked for me and quite a few people I have met annd talked to over the last two years have gained value from them.

Remember you put whatever information you want in your round robins and including restricting hospital visits people phoning you every minute of the day (normally when you are feeling shattered)etc - surprisingly the majority of people will actually respect your wishes as long as they feel they are kept in the loop

Matt J Embleton

Hi Mitch,

Just a quick note to say how sorry I am to read that first you lost your dad and now you are fighting it all again with your mum. Nothing much to say just sending my love and best wishes. Happy birthday to your mum may sound a bit of a contradiction in terms we must'nt loose sight of celebrating special dates otherwise we may as well give up now.

LOL

Debbie

Thanks Debbie, we had a good day yesterday, my two brother and their children were all in her room, bought her a cake and balloon...so had a nice day.
saw her again today and she was in good spirits..so I feel lot happier than I have felt in last two weeks, My mum has great sense of humour and always she enjoys the company of my friends which is nice as they like to support me and come and visit her with me which helps so much.

thanks again Debbie

x

Don't beat yourself up anymore son. You are doing your best and your mum knows this, you are her son and she knows "how you tick" and loves you no matter what.(As a mother of two sons I know this is true).

Take this hug from me and keep your chin up. xx

When my wife had her first cancer, she said to me: "I wouldn't want to be the person looking on". The prospect of major surgery for cancer of the tongue was very daunting. In being there for her, I could do nothing to take the pain and fear away. I experienced feelings of helplessness - not hopelessness. A colleague said to me: "As a committed Christian, aren't you angry with God?" I simply replied: "Why would I get angry with someone I need so much!". I appreciate that not all contributors to these forums will share my faith; but I knew I was not alone. I drew strength from the prayers of so many people. It was still very tough. We then had a 13 yrs old daughter and 10 yrs old son - who both reacted very differently. I needed 7 weeks off work but felt very guilty about it! There was nothing physically wrong with me - I didn't have the cancer! Actually, I recognised I was under great pressure and the nature of Heather's surgery was very traumatic! When she was in hospital for several weeks , I used to wake up with sweats - having gone through the nightmare of a dream funeral experience! Even now many years on - if I turn over and there is no-one next to me - I hate it! Whilst off work in 1992, on one visit to my doctor I told her that I was feeling guilty - as my colleagues would be doing extra shifts to cover for my absence. She put it in perspective saying: "There's not one of them who would swop with what you're having to deal with is there?"
Annabelle - you do need your own space at times and the ability to try and have a little normal social contact. It can get very intense! After hospital visiting I used to pop into my local pub. I chatted in one corner with the Landlady - who was a supportive listening ear. My wife and I were there for her - several years later when she was diagnosed with cancer. I could write so much more. 10 years on in 2002 - Heather had surgery and follow up treatment for Thyroid cancer. "Here we go again!" She has 6 monthly check ups and blood tests. When her neck is being examined by the Consultant - I still feel a little nervous!
Heather has published her book 'Safe In The Shadow'(access extracts on her web site via my profile - or hers. (Heather has also now joined the Forum).

God Bless and best wishes to you all

John

I have just read youre thoughts about youre parner having cancer nad i feel just like yourself. My husband had penile cancer last year but worked its way to his lymph glands he just had a massive tumour removed 2 months ago. I thought things couldnt get worse but they did this morning as we were told by the doctors that there is two more tumours in his lymph glands that have to be removed with surgery again. My stomach felt sick the doctors bed side manner is awful he seemed to think we could handle all this. My family are all there for us and my husband hides it well in front of them but when we are home he gets down. I keep thinking i am going lose him and with 3 kids of ten, five and 8 months i just feel alone and frustrated and angry at the doctors as they knew he has penile cancer last year but we did not and were leftin the dark. I just feel i want nobody around me and that i can handle everything but i just want to fall apart on my own. It's a case of being strong as much as you can but there has to be light at the end of the tunnel. x

Just found this thread bout you also. My husband had penile cancer last year too. He was 37yrs, how old is your husband? It is a very rare cancer, usually afffecting 65yrs plus. Extremely rare under 40yrs old. And because it is so rare there is no support for it.

I know what you mean about the doctors. The doctor that looked after my husband was rude. He treated the whole thing as trivial. Can you believe it. He had really poor communication skills and did not answer our questions very well at all. Just told us "don't worry about that". It made me so angry. And I am afraid I am still angry about it now at times.

What surgery did your husband have. My husband would not talk about it. He had all of his penis removed in the end. It's a man's masculinity they've taken and they (the professionals) can't treat that with a bit of sensitivity !!!!

Where is he having his treatment done. I know of someone else who is from Ireland who went to St Georges in London. Is he having his care in Dublin??

My husband is fortunate that it did not go to his lymph glands...but I have been talking to a very nive nurse specialist in London who assures me that there is some good results for treatment to the lymph nodes as I was expressing concern about another man in your husband's position.

I know how difficult it is to talk to people about it. A lot of people don't know that my husband had cancer last year and some of those that do don't know that it was his penis.

I did tell a male friend once...soon after my husband was diagnosed. It was in the middle of a big supermarket. He doubled over and nearly threw up there and then. Then he walked off and I have not seen or spoken to him since.

It is very scary, I was afraid that my husband was going to die and I would be left to look after our children on my own. It did not help when the doctors were not reassuring us. Their actions made it that you did not trust them or their care.

I handled everything on my own like you. I would not admit that I needed help either. Your children are so young and need you. I am learning now and I am being told by a lot of people that I have to look after myself so that I can look after my family. DO get some one to help you, other family members /friends. I am sure they would only be too happy to help. When i am tired I get ratty and take it out on the people around me. I had to go to the school and tell the teachers that i could not help my son with his homework because I was upsetting him. Now he is behind in his school work and I feel so guilty about that.

Take care of yourself Pink,

Chat soon,

JG
We are going away this weekend back monday night

Hello JG i just seen the message you sent annabelle and youre words were very comforting and yet it helped me to. My husband had penile cancer last year the doctor didnt send any reports to our family doctor to say he had this condition so it worked its way into his lymph gland and he had a very large tumour removed 3 months ago. When we heard the word cancer we couldnt believe it we have 3 children together and he is 37 himself and everything just stopped. We just found out that the pet scan showed two more tumours which have to be removed in two weeks time, sometimes i feel like running out the door and coming back praying that this wasnt happening to us. I know it happens to alot of people and you have to keep upbeat about it all. I have been looking on the website to see had anybodys husband or partner had penile cancer and just to let me know how they were feeling. Thanks again. Pink x

It's rotten timing, because My husband is having his Reconstruction Surgery in London this week. We are going down to london on thursday. I think I have sent you an e-mail. You do not have to send me a reply to this e-mail if you do not want to reveal your e-mail address. Just send me a private message. Once you have logged in click on my picture and then PM by my picture and go on from there.

I'll send you another PM (private message)

Has your husband had his penis removed then, not clear in your writing. Are the tumours that have been removed from the lymph glands.
What treatment is he going for. Is he having chemotherapy and/or radiotherapy.

This type of cancer is rare and does not happen to a lot of people. Many of the people with this type of cancer can be treated with glansectomy...removal of the head of the penis and can still have sex after this. And usually if only the glans removed it means it has not gone to the lymph nodes.

And also like i said earlier...it usually affect men of 65yrs...extremely rare in men under 40yrs like your husband and mine. So it is a really devastating cancer. All cancers are devastating. It's not just the cancer they have to deal with it's the affects on their relationship,their manhood.... as I said earlier my husband and i really embarrassed about it and have not told a lot of people.

Have you told many people.

My husband and i went through a really rough time. We seemed to argue about everything wheras normally don't argue. He did not/does not feel like a whole man. Going back to work made him feel better about that. He was "the MAN of the HOUSE" again....the breadwinner. He said it gave him something else to talk about besides hospitals.

I'll send you a private message...look out for it.

Best wishes

JG XXX

i have read your post and it made me cry

i have partner who was diagosed with cancer in 2005, i completelty understand where you're comimng from

You are an amazing woman to be living through all this, you are important and of couse you have needs and feelings around all of this.

i too feel so angry most of the time, as everybody gets on with their lives and we cant.

im glad you have your dad and friends for support. Other people can be so insensitve and not understand the day to day stree and pressure that you're living with.

never forget how strong you are, even though you may not feel it.

take care

Tigersplat

YEAH I KNOW THE FEELING DARLS .MY HUBBY HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH LUNG AND PROSTATE CANCER ,ANYWAY AFTER 3 MONTHS WE R FINALLY GOING DOWN TO BRISBANE FOR 6 WEEKS TREATMENT . YEAH I HAV BEEN TOLD IM TRYING TOO HARD AND ANNOYING HIM WURRIEING AND TRYING TO PUSH FOOD DOWN HIM AS I KNOW HE WONT EAT WEN GOING THRU TREATMENT!!! I ASK HIM WAT HE FANCIES AND HE TELLS ME THEN WEN I COOK IT HE WONT EAT IT GGGGRRR!!!!! TEH WURRY ABOUT THE 6 WEEKS DOES SCARE US BOTH . BUT AS I TELL PEOPLE HE HAS THE DISEASE I HAV THE WURRYS IM SORRY THAT DOES SOUND HARD BUT THAT S WAT ITS ALL ABOUT !!! HANG IN THER AND STAND BY YOUR MAN AS I AM MATE XXXXXXXXXXXXXILL BE THERE FOR HIM ALLWAYS XXXXXXXX

Great words joyful, You sound like a really great person to have around.
Lots of us have been in your shoes and know just what goes on. Its so hard not to overdo the caring bit.
I wish you all the very best and hope the treatment is not too tiring for both of you and the out come is the best.

Sending you lots of Love and Hugs from a damp UK

Debbie and April xxxxx

I am touched while reading your story.
I got emotional while reading your story.
Each day is a precise gift - that's why we call it the present!
I am glad to tell you that we are here to support you.
Never lose your heart.
God Bless you both. Take Care...

Every Day is new so wear a smile ...for you and also for our partner.

To everyone who replied to my initial message, I'm sorry I haven't responded for a few months. Things just got hard and I needed to switch off for a bit.

After several months of chemo my partner has gone into remission. Two days after this news we got engaged! It's incredible how you can switch between extreme situations. His consultant admitted he hadn't thought he would do so well and I'm so enormously grateful to all the staff at the haematology unit at City Hospital, Nottingham.

We're both finding now that we have a lot of reflecting to do. This year has been so intense and a lot of emotions are coming out as we try and put our lives back together and see the world a bit differently. We also need to reconcile some of our feelings about friends and family who weren't as supportive as we needed but have been peppering us with engagement cards - in it for the good times, eh?

Yesterday I went to my brother's graduation ceremony and I was so proud of him I couldn't stop crying! A bit of an over the top reaction but I think I've kept things bottled up for so long that emotions are spilling out in unusual ways!

This weekend we're going on a canal boat holiday with some of the best friends I could ever ask for. One of the good things to have come out of all this is how much more I value and love them.

I hope I can support my dad a bit better now as he deals with his partner's brain tumour. What a year.

Thank you to all of you for your posts and my thoughts are with each of you x

How lovely to come on here this morning and read two lots of good news, firstly that Steffy's and Tomdog's superhuman efforts have finally resulted in an almost 100% certainty that Tomdog will get his chemo - and now your report that your husband is in remission! Wonderful! I read your original post with interest as anyone with cancer is always trying to understand what their partners are going through. I didn't reply as I felt part of the problem as it were: I'm the one with cancer in our household. Something that cancer has taught us is that there is always someone ready to criticise or tell you you are doing things the wrong way or behaving wrongly - as if they have any idea!

Not at all surprised you wept through the graduation ceremony - as you say, a lot of emotions bottled up, and we cry for relief after what you two have been through, as well as for seeing your brother. at such a happy time. Better get family-sized box of tissues ready for your wedding!

I hope that your wedding is really lovely - you two certainly deserve it. I'm afraid we all have the people who come with alacrity to something where they're going to have fun, but didn't offer help in the bad times. Cancer does show who one's real friends are.

Long may he remain in remission. Time from now on (and I know, because I should have died 9 months ago) will have special meaning - every drop of it, and I wish you a very long and happy marriage. xxx Penny

Hi Annabelle,

Congratulations on the announcement of your engagement. What a wonderful way to celebrate.
I am thrilled to read that your partner is in remission. This week just keeps getting better with all the good news that has appeared on here. Long may it continue.
Not only will you cry uncontrollably when the excuse comes your way to shed, but you will also find yourself laughing at inappropriate times and something slightly amusing will have you rolling around on the floor. Outsiders will find this hard to comprehend. Its all part of the process, so embrace it. It is better to let it all out,take a deep breath, you will then be ready to get up and soldier on.
Some people truly do not know how to handle such news and recoil. It doesn't always mean they don't care when they vanish off the radar. You certainly get a few surprises when a thing like this comes into your lives.
But truly they dont matter. What matters is that you have all the fun you can and make up for the lost months behind you. I hope the sun shines for you both, have a lovely holiday.

Very best wishes for the future.

Lol and ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Debbie and April xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, as I keep saying, it's much worse for the family. They worry more than the patient does, and feel pain they think the patient feels.

My husband has been golden throughout, and really he isn't the type. If there is a type. I have tried not to make him the target for difficult feelings, but sometimes, he hasn't understood what I meant and has felt hurt over something I never meant in the first place. My family, in effect my daughter, and my sisters have helped in their different ways. If they had been difficult, I suppose the person closest to me would be in the firing line. If relatives try to help in their own way, it is the only way they can.

If I was feeling grisly and someone offered to cook me a meal, even if I couldn't eat more than a mouthful I would still feel enormously grateful for the trouble they went to.

When people respond to your good news, it just means that they didn't want to bother you when things were difficult. Maybe they felt that their good wishes at that time would be intrusive, but at a happy time, good wishes are in order aren't they. Try not to misunderstand or condemn.

We had our wedding on a Tuesday. It made sure that only the people who cared about us would take the trouble to come. My sister was in Brazil, but that was different.

I think it is much more difficult for the nearest and dearest, and when it drags on and on, you wonder how they cope. You can just talk it through occasionally. Tell them that there is no room for guilt in this relationship. They do what they have to and if they need a break, it is entirely reasonable.

Congratulations Ruthless, so you got married on Tuesday, It is lovely
to hear some good news. It proves that life does go on and some normality does creep in where it can.
I hope you are beginning to recover from your long stint of chemo. I think 30 weeks would make any one feel drained. don't rush back to work too quick although again i know what it is like. Getting back to work makes you feel you are heading out of the other side of the fog. You still need to pamper yourself a while longer.

lol n (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

Debbie and April xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Annabelle,

******WHAT TRULY FANTASTIC NEWS*****

Love and Best Wishes to you both

Matt

Hi

Iv'e only just come accross this thread. I have felt all the anger ,pain etc that you and most people feel but you are working your way through it well done and cogratulations on all your good news and long may it continue

Tina

Dear Annabelle

What a difference between your first post and your wonderful post this month!

Have a fantastic wedding, and all the very, very best for your married life together. Only one wish for you, echoed here, I am sure, by all of us, whether patient or caregiver: it's "Longevity!!!"

This may sound 'trite' but I know that you must surely be a stronger person than you were at the beginning of your hard, hard journey, a person who knows, so bitterly well, the real value of life, and how very, very precious it is, and never to be abused, only enjoyed and celebrated.

Take good care of your man - and yourself!

With best wishes for a happy future for you both.

Julie.

Annabel I could have written this myself for you echo every single sentiment that I feel. My husband was diagnosed with stage IV Hodgkins in June this year after six months of scans and biopsy's which to all intents and purposes never prove the diagnosis. In my case, I wrote down all the questions such as 'is it lymphoma' and what type, Hodgkins or Non-Hodgkins' as well as 'Is this a watch and wait policy in action?' etc. I was so frustrated watching my husband roll around the floor in agony for six months that I wanted to scream.

Ignore the parents, they are not living 'with' it and have no clue what it's like in reality. My father-in-law yelled at me TWICE when my husband was in hospital for the laparotomy - but I yelled back- don't be bullied - you're doing great!

Continue to inform your husband at every new finding you discover because it is sinking in even if he doesn't appear to acknowledge so. Try not to worry and stay as positive as you have been because at the end of the day that's always a bonus and helpful towards recovery.

Take good care of yourself - we matter too ;o)

Its so strange reading all the reply, thinking thank god im not going mad for having all those feeling too!.
So glad to read things are improving and congratulations xx

my other half has sarcoma. quite bad. He has now had surgery which was unsuccessful and 4 rounds of chemo. 2 more to go. we get the scan results next week. but have been told it is prob incurable and inoperable. Not good eh? I have taken on running our guesthouse my self and its summer. we are trying to sell but the market is awful. I feel so guilty for being angry. Angry that i am exhausted all the time and he doesnt see it. His symtoms are well under control and most of the time he is ok. he just sits and watches telly. But most of all it is the lack of cuddles and sex and just being his wife. That seems to have died. I feel like his mother. If i do hold him there is nothing coming back , Then i get angry with myself and guilty . What am i doing moaning about this . i dont have cancer. its unimportant and will prob come back when the treatment finishes. I cant tell him or anyone else. Its all about him. Listen to me , whining again. Im a bad wife

my other half has sarcoma. quite bad. He has now had surgery which was unsuccessful and 4 rounds of chemo. 2 more to go. we get the scan results next week. but have been told it is prob incurable and inoperable. Not good eh? I have taken on running our guesthouse my self and its summer. we are trying to sell but the market is awful. I feel so guilty for being angry. Angry that i am exhausted all the time and he doesnt see it. His symtoms are well under control and most of the time he is ok. he just sits and watches telly. But most of all it is the lack of cuddles and sex and just being his wife. That seems to have died. I feel like his mother. If i do hold him there is nothing coming back , Then i get angry with myself and guilty . What am i doing moaning about this . i dont have cancer. its unimportant and will prob come back when the treatment finishes. I cant tell him or anyone else. Its all about him. Listen to me , whining again. Im a bad wife

Hi

I am a carer as well you are not a bad wife at all you are human not Superwoman. If only life was that easy and straight forward eh. You watch films involving people living and dying with cancer and it's all so glamerouse and everybody copes, well this is real life. You must stop giving yourself a bad time, anger is normal.

Is there anybody that can help you in the guesthouse give yourself a break.

Keep posting on this site you will get support here

What area do you live where is your guesthouse are you busy

Look after yourself is there a good close friend you can confide in I have some very good friends I don't know how I would manage without them. Perhaps they could give you a hand practically.

Please stop feeling guilty

Love Tina xxx

we are in perth I do have good friends but they are 'couple friends' you know , couples we have met together, see together and never meet singly. Im afraid i dont have a close girlfriend or a sister. I do have a mother , shes 76 and i cant frighten her. I do have a daughter , but shes 6 months pregnant and i cant frighten her. They all think I am strong and will cope. I always cope. Also my other half must never know i am (i cant decide on the word) wilting, weakening, flagging, depressed . None of the above. Just doubtful that i am doing my best and scared of what might happen. scared of being alone. Heart aching that my love is ill. Thankyou for listening