My boyfriend has cancer and he is pushing me away

This situation sounds familiar. Have you posted on this before? Anyway, it must be extremely hurtful for you.

I don't see why he should single you out for the exclusion treatment, so perhaps it is time for you to tell him you are splitting not because of the cancer, but because of his behaviour. That should bring it all out into the open. You might not like what you hear though. It might be time to go your separate ways.

If you really feel you can't face that, then you have no option but to hang on and wait. It will be very lonely, so you will need your own friends to support you. There are plenty of us here for you.

Whatever happens, keep us posted

Ruth

I think it is quite a common response if you have Cancer - to push away someone who is very close. I think there can be two things involved:

- one is a feeling that it will be easier for the loved one in the long run,
- and one is just the feeling that you (the cancer patient) can just about cope without any other emotional demands, and that even the most loving partner can feel sometimes like they are placing another demand on your emotions.

Does that make any sense? It's a bit garbled! So it may be that he is pushing you away just because the emotions are too strong, but he can seek out his other friends without getting overwhelmed.

But you obviously need to talk and find out what is going on, as it may be something else entirely!

Alison

Thanks very much for your reply Ruth,
No this is the first time I post this but I found this forum as I was reading about behavior of those effected by cancer and found many similar cases of people that do react this way and push the loved ones away. This is why I hang in there but now I am beginning to think this isn't the case for me and I just like to believe it is all down to his illness. May be he is giving me a chance to walk away without guilt but he has done that many times before during the past couple of months and I always stayed because I love him and could never let him down now.
I am not sure what is going on in his head, it mush be a tremendous shock for him but what I don't understand is why is effecting his feelings for me so much.
Thanks for your kind words and support, I will defiantly keep you posted

Thanks Alison,

I appreciate your point of view. I would like to talk to him about this but I don't want to (just like you said) put more emotional pressure on him. I need to be patient and selfless and put the 'us two' conversation on the side for a the time being I think. It is all about him and his recovery right now and I really hope things will improve soon.

However, like you say it might be completely different and I am just wasting my time. May be I am just scared to find out.

I just want to look after him and make sure he is all right and give him all the love I can.

Thanks again Alison

It sounds almost as though he is resenting the fact that you are well and he has this thing. I saw on another thread that you mentioned that he drinks quite heavily, so it does sound as though there is a lot of rather negative things going on in his mind at the moment. It's a great shame for you when you want so much to help, and also of course are terribly worried about him - but some men do find it quite claustrophobic to have their partners expressing concern about them. he does seem to want to play things as normal as possible (work, going out with mates drinking) and to try to escape all responsibility connected with the illness. Maybe if you just mention that you are there is he needs you, and then back off a little to see what his response is. I know it is a very hard thing to do though if you are desperately in love - as you say, you are a bit scared of a negative response. Look after yourself too though! xxxx Penny

Thanks very much for your response Penny,

I try not to tell him what NOT to do too much as I know he will only do the opposite, he never liked rules and regulations before and even more so now! I have backed off quite a lot already trying to leave him the space his needs but going this rate I will never see him again! It is almost like he is trying hard to give me the message that he doesn't need me. I guess there is only so much I can do and I have to get on with my life too. He knows I am here for him.

Thank for your kind words. All the best!

I know how stubborn and how insistent people like this can be, almost as if they are deliberating groping for the self-destruct button. I'm hoping that your patience and love get through to him. xxx Penny

Hi Penny,
Just thought I let you know that unfortunately my patience and love did not get through to him and he decided to destroy himself and waste his life away. He is now spending his days taking drugs, drinking and sleeping with whores and all this during chemo. This is leading him to a quick death which is a shame but not my problem anymore. I tried all I could and have no regrets.
All the best

So sorry about this Amore. You did what you could, and I'm afraid that he didn't deserve you. Sometimes is is far far better to walk away, and I'm glad that you have done so. Sending you my very best wishes xxxx Penny

Thank you so much Penny!
It is a shame, life is a gift and should not be wasted like that.
Thanks for all your support through this difficult time. It is reassuring to know there are still some lovely people out there.
All the best to you too
Amore