My dad has mesothelioma

Thats a hard one to answer Barb.

I know through my own experience that I was just like your Dad - didnt answer the phone because to be honest i just either wasnt up to it or couldnt be bothered talking to anyone.

A few folk gave up but the stalward ( is that the right word ! ) crew kept on and on. Eventually I realised that its wasnt "my" cancer it was also the people who loved me as well. Not sure if that makes sense.....

Maybe just give your Dad a few days time out ...let him realise that he wants to be "active". He might not just be feeling sorry for himself - sounds daft but the way he is acting is what I did and I thought I was protecting the ones I loved.

Sorry this sounds a bit gobblygook as it is really hard to find the right words. I suppose what Im saying is dont give up, and yes nag but give him some space for him to think its his idea to open up again.

Lesley xx

I have terminal cancer and one of the multitude of emotions is guilt towards one's family and friends, knowing what you are putting (and going to put) them through. Maybe he needs a little time to himself as Les says (hi Les!) to come to terms with this new and horrible phase of his life? Are you sure he isn't depressed? Unsuccessfully managed pain can make people very depressed and anxious, also irritable and self-absorbed (the world shrinks to the dimensions of your pain). Is he seeing anyone else? Is he getting up in the morning and doing things, or does he feel it's not worth contacting people because they don't want to hear from him, etc. Sounds a worrying situation. Have you talked to his Cancer MacMillan nurse about it? I wish you all the best with this difficult time. xxx Penny

Hi Babsonline,

My husband had cancer last year. Possibly due to the nature of his cancer (Penis) he became a different man. Wheras normally he was a calm patient man. He became very impatient and argumentative. But he also seemed to build a cacoon around himself as far as the cancer was concerned. He did not want to talk about it. Though it is hard you have to be calm and patient yourself. Just be there for him and make sure he understands that you love him. Suggest things but don't push. Maybe go round and spend time around his house, without fussing about things, just to show you are there. He probably thinks he is protecting you by not talking but he is bottling it all up.

Hope this helps.

Let us know how you and your dad are getting on.

Best wishes

JG

I truly feel your pain. My dad was diagnosed today with mesothelioma. We are still at the 'can it be real?' phase. Maybe your dad is trying to protect you from his emotions. He maybe thinks he is helping you by shutting you out of his pain. If talking to him is difficult, would writing him a letter help? Tell him you miss him and want to walk this journey with him, no matter how painful it gets. Hopefully you have a good support network where you can talk to others who either know you both well, or are experienced with this withdrawal phase. Good luck.

I would like to thank you all for your kind words and I am so sorry I haven't reponded sooner. Dad has beeen in hospital for the last few weeks and we finally got him into the Butterwick hospice on Thursday where sadly he passed away.

I am still reeling from how quick it all was, but I know in the end he died the way he wanted, on his own in a lovely room, no fuss no drama, not surrounded by people crying.

When he died I was talking on the the phone to a friend of his, she told me yesterday that that I should take comfort from the fact that in his last moments people who loved him were talking about him and laughing, and I do.

He was a lovely man, a great dad, granddad, brother and friend and I will miss him every day.

But as I say I would like to thank you all for your kindness and it did make me realise that he was behaving in a normal way in the most difficult of circumstances and did want to do things his way, it's just harder for those who loved him to understand why he tried to shut himself off, but as I explained to the family, it wasn't about us and ultimately he did things his way. He didn't fight it, he knew his time was up and he seemed ready. He hung on until he was out of that grim hospital room and had moved across the the hospice which was so calm and peaceful and although the staff only had him for six hours before he died, those were probably the best he'd had in weeks and they certainly helped me and my family and I will always be grateful for how kind and understanding they were.

Take good care of yourselves and thank you. I will still come back to the site, who knows I may be able to help someone the way you all helped me.

So sorry to hear about your sad loss, but very relieved that the Hospice were able to at last find a place for your Dad, and make his last moments so peaceful. Nice that you were actually talking about him at that moment with his good friend - like to think that he somehow knew that. My partner held my hand as I read out your entry, and we are both very sorry for you and your family.

Thank you for your kind comments about people on this site: it's really hard to know exactly the fine details of a situation when one leaves a comment, but we just hope that we can give a bit of moral support and not inadvertantly say the wrong thing.

Take care of yourself. Lots of love xxx Penny

I haven't been on the site for a few months, but saw your message and wondered how things were and how your dad was doing.