Pushing me away

I am sorry to hear your boyfriend has got testicular cancer, his very
young to have this type of cancer.And yes his feelings will be all
over the place. He is feeling angary and i expect very frightend,
Idont know how close you both are, and you are waiting for your results
i can only say be there for him, give him time, but that works both
ways. maybe he needs space to sort his feelings out. but you have to
think about yourself to , and stress is the last thing you need.
are you close to his family?, maybe thay can help.anyway you will
find so many people here who will listen to you and try to give you
good advice. i myself dont have cancer, but i have looked after
people who have cancer for many years, and i,v found that just being
there, to listen to there fears and to be objective is a great help
and half way there to people opening up, for some people it,s very hard,and as for the word guilt, you are not one your own there, it,s a human being thing, we all go through that many many times in our lives,
it causes so much pain to people, it,s negative so dont go there.
i hope everything goes well for you with the tests, keep loggin on
theres always someone here. love linda.xxx

what a situation to find yourself in x i can only talk from experience, but when i was diagnosed with cancer it became a bit "me me me" i found myself pushing my hubby away, i knew i was hurting him but i felt it was the right thing to just concentrate on myself and the impact of being diagnosed with cancer, it took from the june till this new year gone to reallise just how i had been acting, but i think with some people this is what happens, it is so much for your mind to take on board that you don't always see past your own hand, hope i am making sense here, the best you can do is to just be there for him, and in time things will get better, its just so awful for you i feel as you are worried about your own health as well, please keep in touch on here, as we all know what your going through and we will support you as much as we can.
lots of love
Alisonxxxxxxxx

Thanks guys, it's really good to hear from other people.

For the last two months I've just been told by him that I'm being selfish for not dealing with it and that if I loved him I would just face up to it. He just won't talk to me, he won't open up to me. The one time he did, he was just in floods of tears on the other end of the phone, and of course I just couldn't do anything. I just feel totally helpless.

I went through alot of problems when I was younger, according to the psychologists I grew up in an "invalidating environment" and never properly learnt to cope with feelings of sadness or grief. I told him about this about a week ago, because I didn't understand the hurt he was causing me by pushing me away and telling me I wasn't supporting him. That's when he chose to leave me. I guess I brought it on myself!

I know this post is all a bit self centered, but I thought partners should just suck it up and get on with it, and just be strong. I thought I was doing everything wrong. Until one of my friends told me he lost his wife to stomach cancer and he went through the exact same thing.

I actually wonder if I'm dealing with this worse than him laying in hospital. I seem to have more bad days than good days, and I know the bad days bring him down too. It doesn't help he was in the middle of an intense training course until last week.

How can I make myself strong for him? Because at the moment I'm a mess. I don't know what I should say or do, because everything I do at the moment is wrong.

It's great to find this forum, with it's own little section for partners and families. I know I'm not on my own now!

I'm very distressed to hear of the awful time you are having. You are both young people desperately in need of emotional and moral support, and it must be terrible that both of you are now (let's hope temporarily) without each other to lean on. Yes, perhaps he does need some space to deal with his own thoughts. It may be also that he feels he has "lost face" by breaking down in front of you, and is a bit ashamed of himself. You must be in a terrible state - sorry - I didn't realise all this extra trouble when I left other comment!!! - do YOU have supportive family, as I am also very worried about you? It's very difficult when you've had a problemmatic childhood - I know very much how you feel with that one: issues from that can bubble away under the surface for years, and it all bursts out in times of stress and crises (and we seem to get more crises, too!). No, Purple, you are not alone, and we are here for you, all with similar problems and coping experiences. Families are funny things (read my Birthday from Hell Blog for families falling apart under stress!). Give him a little time - perhaps even just do that very old-fashioned thing and just write him a little note in a card. That way you can really think hard what you really want to say, and he can mull it over without revealing emotions he may not be able to cope with. All the best, and keep us posted. xxxx

No, I don't have a supportive family to help me through this. I don't get on with my Mum even though I live with her. On his first day into Chemo on Tues she sent him the following text: "Hope all goes well with chemo. Had C dumped you? She's a selfish cow sometimes". Then she comes and cries to me that she needs my support for MY boyfriend going through cancer.

No, I've just been trying to deal with it on my own so far, and with the help of a friend living miles away via MSN! No wonder I keep making stupid mistakes!

Well, I think we have another candidate for our What Now Selfish People Corner - and it isn't YOU! Well, you have us now, so take heart! Lots of love, xxx Penny

We have a selfish people corner? Can I add my mum please?

xxx Penny

how are you feeling today? isn't life just the biggest ever rollercoaster ride ever? who needs blackpool!!!!!!!! like some others, i could easily lob my outlaws into the "whatnow selfish people corner" and leave them there forever! oh in my dreams, now if their is a god, then please do that for me!!!!
hope we have brought a smile to your face xxxxxxxxxx
lots of love
Alisonxxxxx

Oh yes, I've smiled alot today at you lot!

Still waiting for him to phone. He came out of hospital today (assuming no complications). I'm being brave and not phoning him. And by telling you lot I'm not phoning him, I have to keep my word!

I'm throwing one of our mutual friends into that corner too. He's in the sin bin for a few hours! :D

Nice to see another photographer Alison, I was thinking about turning professional if I don't get into the RAF. Enjoyed looking at your work. :-)

Well its all a bit awful for you at the moment. Im sorry to hear about youre boyfriend its hard for him at the moment and he is young to have this condition and it just might be his way of handling things. My yummy hubby had penile cancer last year and just had a large tumour removed and needs two more tumours removed with an operation soon and we all have to keep our chins up. He can get grumpy and shout and say i dont know what hes going through and i course i dont but i just have to be there to help and listen. I do know how youre feeling and if you need a moan or a chat or a laugh get in touch. Big Hugs Pink.xxx

I dont think it will hurt if you just give him a call, just to say
you are thinking of him, and you hope he is alright.
He might think you are not botherd, even if he is a bit off with
you, at least you made contact with him, and put your mind at
rest.If you dont communicate how are you going to resolve the
problems you are. both going through with each other.
He needs you purple, but he might not be able to open up so
easy. Cant you tell him how your feeling, like you have told
us.it,s not easy i know, but take it from me the more you hold
back, the harder it gets. not everyone might agree with what
i,m saying, but if you cant talk to each other, i cant see
this relationship going anywhere, it seems to be making you
both unhappy, plus your going through a rotten time yourself.
My husband can talk about his feelings, i tend to hold mine
back, i feel vunrable if i open up, but having said that we
have been togeather nearly 40years, if you love each other
i,m sure you will work it out, be open, stress is the last
thing you need at this time.
Isend you my love, and hope things get better .xxxxxxxx

He phoned this morning...

Big mistake to talk.

He won't talk to me now. I couldn't help it, I just got upset when he said he wouldn't see me for three months.

He said I don't help, and he doesn't want to be around me or talk to me.

He obviously feels like wounded animal, wants to crawl into corner and hide from everyone. Leave him to it for a while. You could send a little card just saying you are there if he does need you any time - that shows you understand he wants some time to re-adjust. Meanwhile, I should look after yourself, because you are under a lot of stress waiting for your own results, and, believe me, stress is NOT good for your own condition: neither for your own state of mind nor your body's immune system. Did you get any sleep last night? Love is an illness in itself, isn't it? xxxx Penny

Think I got a few hours last night. Was up all night wondering how he was doing.

I guess I'll just let him get on with it. He's going to attempt a 6 hour drive today to his parents, I'm not sure that's really what he should be doing! Didn't want to put my oar in and get shouted at again.

Oh well! That's life!

... well, there's Stubborn not giving in, and there's Stubborn being ridiculously inflexible. Well, if he's decided he's going to drive for 6 hours immediately after an operation... Aren't his parents fetching him? Seems as though he just wants to play it all down, maybe pretend nothing has really happened. Sorry you didn't sleep. Sounds like you need a rest from all this. Have you got a friend you can go and stay with, or go away with for an escapist weekend ? xxx Penny

He didn't have his operation this week, he started his chemo. He came out yesterday lunchtime after being in for three days (I presume hooked up to a drip, but he won't tell me because he says it makes him misrable to talk about it). When I spoke to him this morning he just said he was really tired, then was going back to bed then driving to his parents in Wales.

You've hit the nail on the head. He wants to pretend it's not happening. And I think the problem is that I remind him that it is happening, because I can't just put things out of my mind like that.

I'm more than a little concerned that he's going to have an accident from falling asleep at the wheel driving the length of the M4!

Hi Purple,

Sorry to hear you're going through all this hassle. Penny's right, you have to think more about yourself. You have held out your hand, you have shown your concern, you have given advice and planted a few seeds in his mind.
My husband has cancer, too, and the first couple of months I showed concern, gave advice and opinions and grew totally frustrated because I couldn't control what was happening - neither the cancer nor my husband's behaviour. He seemed to go his own sweet unhealthy way, so I tried to bite my tongue, do something else and let him get on with it, because we were causing each other a lot of stress. And, lo and behold, without my nagging he did what was best anyway. He wanted to take control over his own life, as far as possible - because everything seemed out of control. And, yes, he came out of chemo and went off for 10 hours to work on someone's computer - he had to retire to bed for 2 days afterwards, but it was the feeling of having achieved something that helped a lot. Maybe your 'stubborn person' also needs to feel more in control.

Whatever, look after yourself and try to cultivate a bit of 'out of sight, out of mind'. He'll survive and you may feel better.

He should be alright after the chemo. He'll have been given anti-sickness tablets. I don't think they would have discharged him unless they were satisfied he was well enough to leave. Yes, I can understand it's almost impossible to put what's happening to someone you love out of your mind, but I really think a few emotional Displacement Activities are called for to help you - and I don't mean getting drunk and then ringing him! Come onto our lovely Chat Room tonight if you feel you're weakening! I've always found that if I imagine terrible things, they DON'T happen - mind you, something else does, but that's me!!! Lots and lots of love, Penny

you poor poor thing xxx its so hard to believe how someone can change, as Penny has said you just have to be very strong, and thats going to be so hard for you xxxx come into the chatroom, we do understand what your going through x and photography is a bit of life that i love, i was a pro photographer for a while, did a job yesterday photographing some poor woman's foot, she had hot oil spilt on it at work, what a mess! i still keep me hand in working for one of our local solicitors, but i couldn't do it full time.
lots of love
Alisonxxxxxx

You'll be glad to know we've taken a few tentative steps!

A 36 hours without an argument! Woo! I'm taking all your guys advice to each other and baby steps are the way forward! Had a few chats online, where he has departed quickly to the bathroom... side effect of the chemo I guess. Says he's feeling well, if a little sick most of the time.

Tomorrow is another day, eh?

Thanks guys for helping me through such a dark period last week. I'm glad I found you.

Yes, trouble shared, and all that...I think he'll come round - as you say, softly softly does it. Now we just have to look after you! Still keeping my fingers crossed about your results. xxxx Penny

Really glad that things are looking better between you two, good luck.
But Pennys right, you have to look after yourself, and i,m keeping
my fingers crossed as well about your results, and anything else i
i can cross. love linda.xxxxx

glad things are getting a little better just try and keep youre chin up and try and look after yourself. Good luck with getting your results we are all thinking about you. Big Hugs Pink.xxx

I think I'll come in the chatroom tonight, need some of that love you girls are so good at!

Hi ya Purple,

I have just read your post and everyones replies. Not a lot i can add really, but just wanted you to know there are even more of us out here than you could imagine. Your fella may feel his manhood has been threatened as well, not an easy time for a young guy.
Ive been on both sides of the coin so really understand all the emotions as well. BUT, very important is that you look after yourself. I hope your smear was clear, but if not , dont go into panic overdrive. I also had that when i was in my 20's. A quick op and all was well. It's not always bad news so hang on and be optimistic. What ever the outcome for both you and your boyfriend you need to be healthy in body and sole.

LOL and hugs,

Debbie and April xx

Everything seems to be looking up girlies!

Not only talking about things, but we're back to our old tricks and our old warped relationship.

Plus the doctor has told him that he can only "see" previous partners during his chemo or something because he'll already have an immune system against their germs. Well, that's everyone else ruled out except me!

Found out he spent three days in hospital last week with a wisdom tooth infection. He's had the damn infection for three years, but the chemo just made it too much! i wish they'd pulled the damn thing out when they were going to last year!

Glad things are all quiet on the home front again. That's the trouble with chemo (PS Did you know, as a potential RAF chapess, that chemo all developed from chemical weapon leak in WW2 Italian port? I looked up the history once. It all started with this accidental leak, and then US Army doctors studying what happened to local people, then extrapolating the information for trials with cancer patients!) Keep us posted. Hugs and xxx Penny

Hey Purple,

I wanted to message you after i read your post, you touched a cord with me and i wanted to thankyou for making some sense to me, it is good to know your not alone, but i was also saddened to hear its happened to you too, i can only hope that your partner is making good progress and you are both united.

My story is i have been sharing my life with a wonderful, handsome man for the last 18 months, he is completely my world and i love him so so much, however he was diagnosed with breast cancer on Friday and has walked out, pushed me aside, saying he has to go through this on his own, he wants to get into his car and just drive away, i am at a loss what to do, i have told him i love him and cancer does not change that, that i want to support him every way i know how, that any treatment he has will not make a difference to what i feel, the man i fell in love with is very much still there, i hear him when he says to me i have never been a burdon and i never will be, but he is not a burdon, he is sick and needs help and support and the right treatment ASAP. He got the results on his own as he walked out a few weeks ago, he said he knew he was poorly and coundn't put me through it, it was easier to walk out than tell me why he was walking out, he says he loves me the world over but needs to tackle this on his own, he hasnt told even his family and i dont know where he is, the treatment available tohim, the prognosis, even the diagnosis, the stage/grade etc, i feel in the helpless bubble unable to reach him and help him through this nightmare and come out the other side.

I am at a loss just what to do, i txt him daily to remind him i am here for him, please just to come home and that he is loved very much indeed - is his reaction normal, will he wake up in a few days and come home, will he let people that care so much about him support him?

I would value your comments if that is alright or from anyone else that is reading this post and knows the desperation which i feel, i just want my man to come home.

Thankyou, MC xx

As I have said to lots of people now, I think that being a supporter is a lot more difficult than actually having cancer.

You have to support the one you love. You can't not support them and when they push you away, it makes it worse for you.

When I suspected that all was not right, I got my husband to take me to the hospital for the first test. I then summoned him back to pick me up. We went to my doctor to drop off the paperwork, and I think I realised that he was nervous, because he took me to his doctor. (I changed from that practice a long time ago, but he had just forgotten). From then on, I didn't hold back. I told him what was happening, and I didn't have him with me until the chemo stage came along. I did let him know what was going on though.

I knew that both he and our adult daughter would find it easier to cope by being involved in the story, if not the treatment. We haven't fought much, except when he thought I wasn't letting him look after me. So Purple, and (sorry, I can't see your name,) perhaps you both need to have a few days out, maybe a holiday together, and just chill. You don't talk about the cancer, just have fun.

You can say that not being there for him is worse than being "put through it" if he starts up the conversation, but otherwise, just have fun and bond. My husband behaves strangely at times, and I don't understand why, but I just have to let him get things right in his head first. Men are from Mars and some of them feel it is macho to suffer alone.

As for your mother Purple. Whose side is she on? Whatever happened to unconditional love? The phrase that always stops me in my tracks if I try to help with the grandchildren is "You're not helping". If that is any use to you.

Good luck to you and your partner

Ruth

I'm going to write very tentatively (just for once - usually I just trample in with clogs on!), but I wonder if what I say will echo at all?

I think that perhaps for 'old established couples' who have been together decades, and stuck it out, thick and thin, through seven year itches and stretch marks and sleepless baby nights and homework stress and paying mortgages and bills and cars that need endless repairs and whose turn it is to put the rubbish out and mid life angst and all, all all that mullarky (plus, too, I think, very probably having had to face the death of their own parents during that time, possibly even from cancer), it can, perhaps be 'easier' when something like the Cancertruck runs one of your down. Each partner is so used to each other, knows each other so well (even if only subconsiously, as I think is true of a lot of long-time couples) and we know how to 'deal' with each other even in very difficult circumstances. The Cancertruck is, in a way 'just one more' of the various lifeblows that can hit - though yes, a very very bad one.

But perhaps for younger people, whose relationships/partnership is still brief (compared to the decades of a long marriage), it is MUCH harder when cancer strikes. Obviously, it's much harder simply because of your youth - as you hit middle/old age, thoughts of mortality are pretty much inevitable! - but for the young, no one should think of dying, or being seriously ill. It's sort of 'against nature' so to speak.

So, both because of the greater inherent tragedy of having cancer when young, and because a 'young couple' simply cannot know each other as intimately mentally/psychologically as an 'old couple' (however much they love each other), I think they can face relationships problems which older couples don't have to.

This isn't coming up with any answers, or even suggestions, but I think it IS qualitatively different when cancer hits a young couple, and what they need to deal with it may be different from what older couples need to deal with it well.

Again, I'm not sure if this is any use to you, but I'm sure I recently spotted a very timely thread on having cancer as a young adult, as the poster pointed out that there is often good external support for teens/children (and their parents), and good support for the mass of cancer patients who do statistically tend to be middle aged plus, but not much around for the young adult category.

Perhaps the only 'suggestion'/'idea' I can come up with when it comes to young couples dealing with cancer, especially if the patient is the man who is, perhaps, more used to being the 'carrier' in a relationship (the 'strong male' etc), is that perhaps if you basically 'took his marker' when you adopt the role of HIS carergiver. ie, that 'right now' YOU are the caregiver and HE is the care-receiver, but because you have his marker, if and as YOU develop a need, of any kind, to be the recipient of care, then you've got his 'marker' to cash in.

Older, longer established couples just about instinctively know, over the years, that relationships are very much 'tit for tat' or 'my turn/your turn' when it comes to 'being obligated' or whatever you want to call it. Right now it's 'my turn' to look after my husband, though he's done a lot of 'caregiving' of me (eg working while I did the childcare/homecare stuff, etc etc). But younger couples may not have established that 'flip flop' yet, and so perhaps the man in the relationship can find it VERY hard to ACCEPT care and concern from his partner, and it might just make it easier for them if they take on board that, OK, right now, they ARE accepting it, BUT at some time in the future, you'll get that back from them. Who knows, it might be as simple as saying 'Look, I'll take care of you while you're getting through the cancer, BUT I'm going to want you to do the mid-night baby feeds, OK???!!!! Oh, and you can give me a future gift voucher for a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes too! That'll do nicely!!!' :)

All the best, Julie