Someone to talk to

Hi, it might be a good idea for your dad to phone the helpline on here as they will be able to direct him to the right place, you have to be so careful on the internet, there is a section on here that is for people with pancreatic cancer, also a lot of us on here have had/have or are caring for someone with cancer and we will help to support your dad and you as best as we can, just talking about how you feel can help such a lot. all the best

Thank you alison for your reply but the problem is that my father can not hear very well and finds it very difficult to talk on the telephone.I will suggest he tries this Forum.
nickie

Hi Nicky, i don't know if they have a facility for the hard of hearing, it might be an idea if you ring them to find out, anyway, we're quite a supportive lot on here, your dad will get an answer if he posts. all the best

We have just found out that my sister in law has Stomach Cancer, not sure what type. Although she lives in the south and we are up in the north, we are quite a close family. We would like some advice on how we can support both her and the family. We dont want to say the wrong things or sound as if we are just going through the motions. I want to encourage her to be positive but because the diagnosis has only just been made, is it better to leave them alone (the family)for a time? Thanks.

Sorry to hear of your sister-in-law's diagnosis. I don't think there is much you can say wrong if you don't try to jolly her along or go to the other extreme and be all doom and gloom. But I do think you should keep in touch, tell her you're concerned and ask her if she wants to tell you about it.
What got my husband and I through the first couple of months after his devastating diagnosis of oesophageal cancer was the regular contact calls from two friends and my sister in law. They gave us the feeling that they were there, that we were not completely alone and that someone cared enough to let us talk, cry, laugh or whatever. They called regularly - someone called every day - and it helped a lot. We didn't always talk 'cancer', but it was possible.
It hurt a bit that other family members never called or even asked how we were if we called them. We tried to limit calls to my mother in law because she was so negative that we always ended up depressed afterwards - we let my sister-in-law keep her informed.
Not only your sister in law needs support and contact- all her family members do ( your brother? and any children). It's no fun feeling like a leper. One possible problem is that they may not want to take the initiative and contact you - my husband and I often had the feeling we didn't want to upset anyone with our problems.
Hope that helped a bit - I'm sure other people will tell you about their experiences, too.

All the best

P

Hi Baz - first of I'm so sorry about your sister-in-law. Yes, I think if you are lovely enough to care, you should maintain regular contact, even if it is only a few times a week, just to see how everyone is. As Pusspins says, it is only likely to inflame a difficult situation if you are very negative, or if you are just constantly telling them what a marvellous time everyone you know is having! Also please refrain from urging them to "Keep positive", as this is something that people will TRY to do, but being told to do so, by someone not in that position, is mighty annoying and insulting!

What treatment will your sister-in-law have? Do you know if it will be surgical, or is it likely to be chemo and radiotherapy (which could mean trips to the hospital every day backwards and forwards for quite a few weeks)? I had chemo and radiotherapy (called concommitant if at same time), and felt dreadful - both sick and so tired I could hardly get out of bed. I really relied on the phone (bill rocketted!) and was really grateful to a friend called Marjie who had been ill herself and therefore didn't mind me ringing her every day, even for just 5 minutes and talking about anything: just human contact whilst my partner at work.

I also appreciated a gift of a token and went out and bought some comedy DVDs so I had somethin to laugh at. Perhaps ask if there is any present she would like - it needn't be particularly expensive. I appreciated all the smaller things that friends sent me, also flowers, postcards and cards. Just really signs to show you are there in spirit! Little and often...

I think it is wonderful that you are prepared to help, and are asking advice here. All the very best, xxxx Penny

Hi Baz

Sorry to hear about your sister in law. I think many friends and family when they learn of someone they know/care about having been diagnosed with cancer, very often because they just don't know what to say, they will say nothing at all. I always think it is worse to say nothing at all. I would say, even if you are struggling to find the words to say to your sister in law and immediate family, regular calls to see how things are and the offer of someone to talk to will be appreciated. Tell them if they want to call you in the middle of the night and just talk, that you are there for them. That although you are a long way apart in distance, if you can help with anything at all, the offer is there.

I have had times on the phone to family members, when I cannot even get the words out I have been so upset, particularly with one of my sister's whom I am very close to, and she will let me know it is ok, tell me to take my time, breathe deeply and stays on the other end waiting for me to get out what I want to say. Those kind of family members are invaluable at times like this.

Hope this helps..

My mum has just been diagnosed with secondary cancer and she's hard of hearing too... Nickie I know you say your Dad needs support and he will find loads here but what about you honey? how you coping? My mum has accepted that she has limited time left and says the children AKA me & sisters, are finding it tougher to deal with. Feel free to send me a private message/email, Bambina xxxxx

Dear Pusspins, Penny and Supportingwife,
Thank you very much for the sound advice and comments, it is very much appreciated. Baz

Hi Nickie,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother, but seems all of us on here have eithe had cancer, have cancer or are caring for someone with cancer, so your father is in the right place just to chat or hit the keyboard very hard in frustration, if it helps.
I have had breast cancer and survived it, and now my husband has liver cancer and there is very little they can do for him. The reason that I am writing to you is that I have a daughter who was born deaf/blind, had a cochlear implant about 14 years ago, so I do undertstand a bit about deafness, just thought I would let you know that if I can be of help I will, not very good on the medical side of things, more on the emotional.mental side of the issue.
I really wish your family all the best
Best Wishes always
Steffy

hello, im new to this, but hay , ill give it a go.

My brother is 35 and has just been told he has AML,
Im not coping at all well, he seems to be coping ok at mo..
Is there any councelling places for families xx??

so sorry about your brother xx if you ring the helpline on here they will be able to tell you what centres are near to you, also the macmillian are excellent for offering advice and councilling xxxxxx hope this helps a little, and we offer great support on here Harley, you don't ever have to feel alone xxx
lots of love to you all
Alisonxxxxxx

i've already posted on this site about my mum who has 2 tumours on her spine and lung cancer which spread from my mums breast last year from breast cancer and i'm now finding it really difficult to cope as she only has about 5 months left to live. I'm terrified and i don't know what to do. I'm only 23 and still a child at heart and i still need my mum. My friends and family have been as supportive as they can but it doesn't help and i'm resenting people that are happy. i'm nearly 5 months pregnant and i'm scared incase my mum won't be alive to she my 2nd child and if she is then she won't have much time in my childs life. It's breaking my heart as my 3 year old daughter is devoted to her nanny and she is to young to understand that she won't be able to see her soon. I'm at breaking point and i just wish is was not happening but then reality hits me and i cant handle it. i'm so angry but it isn't anyones fault but i cant picture my life without my mum. She was my coffee buddy and my best friend and now i'm losing that and it wont stop hurting. She won't even be around to see my get married. i wish there was a book to tell people how to cope with this but there isn't.