uncomfortable with my new body

Hi Deb

Maybe you would find it helpful to talk to someone, either the help line on here, a councillor through the Macmillan service or your breast care nurse. You will have been through a lot by now,the whole situation is hard to cope with and the toughest of us need to talk to someone at some point. Our nearest and dearest are not always the right people, or we just think they dont understand.
Keep us posted, we are always here to listen.
Very best wishes and lots of love,

Hiya Deb.
I hope you are feeling ok :o)
I had to have a lymph node disection in the left side of my neck, which resulted in the muscle and nerve of my neck being removed.I also had issues with my appearance after this op, and my husband and I had to deal with some really difficult times - but glad to say we are through it now (and even stronger than ever). The local hospice ran a counselling service, my GP referred me to them and I found this to be really useful. They were ready to listen, and over time I began to accept what had happened and the changes that were apparent. It was a difficult process, but now I am feeling better about my body image, and have accepted my neck scar and neck as it is. I really hope things turn out well for you.
It's is nice to know that there is support on this forum and I am releived that I have found it. Let us know how you get on.

Hi Deb,
I'm Dee i had a full mastectomy in Aug of this year and although i seem to have sailed through the op loosing my breast and now chemo i have yet to show anyone my scar and had hoped that my husband would be ok with it, I have tried to show him twice.
I had mentioned this to my mcmillan nurse and she suggested showing him whilst the dressing was on which he still didn't want to do, all he kept saying was"i'm not bothered" after the second attempt i've given up.
I do hurt deep down, But i'm lucky i'm a strong person at this moment in time i don't feel like a woman and have to look at myself everyday being left like this, BUT! i look to the future and take it one day at a time..
if oyu'd like to get in touch please do.
take care..

Hi there

It has been 7 years now since my reconstruction. I suppose all I can say is it doesn't sag as quickly as the natural one.

I was strong, I thought I was strong when I went through all this and blocked my emotions / feelings out. I have put on so much weight in the last years due to drug and depression and the rest.

I met a new fellow last year and he didn't mind my body at all. He loved me as I am. But I still don't. And no matter how much he told me I am pretty and I am nice, I just don't see that in myself. I feel as if I am nothing, I am not worthy.

He will learn to like your body again given time, just concentrate on yourself for now. Because it will be the biggest hurdle you will have to get over. I didn't deal with it then, and I am still feeling horrible about it.

caz

Hi Caz,

it's been quite a while since i put that message on the board and since then things have changed, I eventually showed my hubby my scar and i'm pleased to say he's ok with it i guess it's me who isn't comfortable with it i still feel less of a woman and don't feel attractive and don't think i will to be honset but only time will tell after all it's only been three months since my op. Yes i'm ok with the op as it had to be done but it's when i look in the mirrror and see myself as i am :-( don't like.

We went shopping for the first time in weeks and i did fancy a new pair of Pjs in a shop called Lazenza, As we got to the shop door all i could do was look in side at all the things i used to wear then i turnned around and said NOP! changed me mind as i laughed it off but my hubby just thought i'd changed my mind -but i hadn't really it hurt me to see the clothes and know i can't wear them so we came away,Now that will atke some getting used to and i'm sure in time i'll get there.
thanks for the reply.

Dee

Hi Debb

I've never been good in dressing myself pretty. Not tops, not trousers, don't even mention Lazenza!!!!!

Well at the moment you might see nothing will cover what you've got. But given time, the bruses will settle and eventually you will be able to put those "lovely" things on without anyone noticing the different.

We can go shopping together if you like!!!!! Sometimes, I think going shopping with others like ourselves might just make us try anything and laugh it off.

Keep up the spirit. Its very important!
XXX

I took myself christmas shopping and got steddily more and more upset. Every shop I went into there were people trying on lovely strappy and low cut dresses. All I could think was, damn I missed my chance. I even took a dress (M & S) to try on just to prove to myself I was never going to be the woman I used to be. BUT..... to my uttermost shock , the dress looked fab, even though I was not wearing a bra or my prosthesis (I have half a recon...long story.....) It was high enough in front and under the arms, has thin straps, well I just had to buy it. I then rushed off to Nicola Jane to get a bra to go with it. I've never owned a little black number, so now all I need is someone to take me out somewhere nice so I can show it off.
I cant tell you how much confidence that has given me.
Your hubby may be hurting very much inside at the thought of what you have gone through, maybe that is why he could'nt bring himself to look at your scar. Men are not good at showing their feelings if the chance of them breaking down is near.
Troubled minds suggestion of shopping together is a fab idea. I have also got so much more confident since I have met people from this site.
I hope you can soon put all these feelings behind you and enjoy life.

Debbie and Robbie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you both for your kind words of support i guess whats really wrong with me is that i'm trying my best to keep a brave face on everything as have for years.
my hubby suffers from deppresion and i have always had to me the strong one and i know i don't open up as much as i should(try not to burden him) but luckily were both different in the way we think i'm optimistic and he's pessimistic.

I have just yesterday gone shopping with my sister-in-law and guess what? we i sat and exlpained to her the way i felt which did make me feel better- then while we were looking around we wondered into Debenhams underwear department and i felt ok as i showed her what i could and could not get away with(my scar is quite high as i had two tumors)-but then it dawned on me why i got upset with my hubby being there.
It was because my hubby sees my body and feeling that way i do(not like a woman) and knowing i can't compete(does that make sense?) daft in a way as i'm 53 soon and even though i know he looks at other women doesn't faize me at all it's human nature, it's the thought of not beeing able to feel sexy and confident in myself i think until this is all done-i have my hair back and take some control over my life again i just have to ride it out. :-)
but it's really nice that people replied.
thank you once again.
Dee x

I am not a cancer survivor..but my brave and amazing sister sure is! I hadn't seen her since her surgery and was nervous as to what to say or how to act...but man! She blew me away! Wearing knit top without a bra and without nuttin...she just had the one breast there, proudly bouncing along. I think she's just so damn glad to be alive and proud of overcoming something that could have gotten the best of her...I was so proud of her! I'm starting to well up now thinking about how I felt when I saw her!

I ran down the hill where she was coming up and threw my arms around her and said I thought that she was the most amazing person that I know. She laughed and just wanted to know where everyone had gone off to...it was a family wedding weekend...craziness...she wasn't the least bit fazed but she smiled and loved that I said I was proud to be her sister.

We have the most aligned political beliefs in the family so that draws us kinda close...

but anyway...what I dropped in to say or to ask, rather...is the best way I know of to help MYSELF feel more strong about something that I can't quite overcome...like feeling odd or feeling fat or feeling ugly or feeling something...that may or may NOT be true about me...is to find someone else feeling a way about themselves that does nothing to serve them or their state of mind....When we can see perfectly well that what they believe is a falsehood that some image of perfection is misleading them to believe is a truth.

Chance are, they will be surprised as all get-out to learn that you feel something similar about yourself. They'll likely be blown away because they just don't see it in you...when we connect like that, it reflects back on us.

I know when I told my friends how awkward I was feeling about meeting up with an old bf I haven't seen since I gained some weight...they were shocked! They never thought of me as anything but just Fine the way I am...

What we see in the mirror is MUCH different than what the World sees...despite what you read in the Beauty magazines! If Models can feel "fat" or "unattractive" and they do...because they also believe all the hype.

But you know...when you LOVE someone...you see someone you care about hurting themselves with false beliefs. And the same is true of those who love you...even though some of them aren't able to say it.

Anyway...the other thing...Learn to laugh at your ideas about your body's imperfections. Go to a Laughter Yoga club near you...
you can find one here: http://www.laughteryoga.org and do a search for "Find Clubs"

The thing about going to a laughter session and participating with all your heart and LUNGS hehe..is not ONLY that laughing for an hour is AMAZING for your body...but it teaches you to let up on yourself and others. It teaches you to choose to LAUGH instead of crying or getting angry.

Every time we do either, we...WE are making a CHOICE. And instead of choosing what seems like a natural response...feeling ashamed or feeling angry or crying or shouting...what seems like The Way We're Supposed to React..is really just Habit.

We are, most of us, in the HABIT of choosing Anger when things don't go our way or when a clerk is slow or someone in traffic is driving negligently or erratically...Yes, we choose it. It isn't a natural response...not one that we have to accept. It's a societal habit.
Sure, we feel JUSTIFIED...but that doesn't lessen the health risks of anger and shame and decreased confidence of it either....

It also doesn't change how isolated or alone or Different or shameful or low we feel.

We choose it because we're convinced it's good for us. The problem with that is that adrenaline, that rush you feel when you get really mad is TERRIBLE for your body! It runs havoc on your system..it ages you..it raises your blood pressure and puts pressure on your arteries and your heart....and shame and sadness do nearly the same thing but can be more long-lasting...

So...Laughing...it's the OPPOSITE! And you don't even have to do it out loud! Nope...you can silently laugh...like in an argument...instead of getting angry, laughter yoga can help you learn to catch the anger signals and redirect them to your Laughter Center...hehe...your belly! It can also help you detect self-pity, fear, self-loathing, shame, embarrassment...and let it all go with a big ole or a silent LAUGH!

A great Sample of a Laughter Exercise:
Imagine...Your pointing finger...pointing at all the things that you think make you feel ashamed, sad, lonely, angry, frustrated,...imagine your pointing at these things that are outside of you...a teller, another driver, a customer service rep on the phone..whatever....your pointing, (in your imagination or up at the sky) and thinking "it's their fault..or it's that thing's fault..it's my body's fault...it's fate's fault...whatever...something outside of you feels to you like it's causing this feeling...okay? With me?

Now....ohhhh my....Look at that pointing finger...it's got a little mortar board cap on it, with a graduation tassel and everything! Wow! That's cool!...oh...Your finger slowly starts turning away from that thing you were pointing at...that thing that was making you feel how you're feeling...and it's...it's....oh it's a little Einstein finger! It's now...Tapping You on the Chest!

What on Earth is your finger trying to tell you?

Try it? Try it right now?

Point at what's making you feel the way you've been feeling often....and Your Einstein finger...turns slowly away from that thing...and turns to tap you on the chest. Why?

Why?

Because it's you! You are making the CHOICE! So...your finger is telling you...make a NEW CHOICE!

that new choice...is to LAUGH!

Yes...laugh it off!

start with a little laugh if you have to...tap your chest and just laugh a LITTLE BITTY LAUGH...and see how that feels...

When you feel stronger you can go with a bigger laugh!

Love and laughter, joyfully because you deserve it!
Heidi

Yay Dee you have taken the first step. Talking with your sister in law and going into the Debenhams undies dept. I to felt far from sexy, it took me quite a few months after my hair grew back before I started to feel better about myself. Now on the shelf and hoping to meet someone in the future, I feel even more unsexy than before. My hubby loved me from the inside out, but I agree with you, you have to feel good about yourself as well.
It brings me down with a bump when i think of what i have to explain to a new boy friend and when to do it. Especially as I have had my reconstruction de constructed, and wont get it redone till march. So watch this space, I will try and keep you up to date, it should be good for a laugh.
In the meantime try and have a bit of fun and enjoy Christmas.

lol

Debbie and Robbiexxxxxxxxxx

p.s. Im still hoping someone will want to take me somewhere I can flash off my little black number. :-)